


Are things ever okay?

by asongforthought



Category: Life Is Strange 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Ace Sean Diaz, Communication, Found Family, Gay Panic, Healthy Relationships, I love them okay, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love and respect ftw, M/M, Past Abuse, Scars, Sean discovering he's bi, Trauma, Wounds, all the soft because they deserve nice things, i promise there are lots of nice things as well!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 30,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23330053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongforthought/pseuds/asongforthought
Summary: Only because of the darkness had Sean found his roman candle. And he hoped that maybe, just maybe, this wandering oddity could be his escape, his future.Maybe things could finally be okay. He wanted to believe they could, with all he had. There was no other choice.
Relationships: Cassidy & Sean Diaz, Daniel Diaz & Finn (Life is Strange), Daniel Diaz & Sean Diaz, Finn & Hannah (Life is Strange 2), Sean Diaz & Hannah, Sean Diaz/Finn
Comments: 24
Kudos: 49





	1. doubt

**Author's Note:**

> The events of this fic take place slightly before the heist. They follow the plot of the game up until the actual break-in. I was unhappy with the endings and wanted to give my personal take on it. Hope you will enjoy, thank you for reading! <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Silence was usually uncomfortable, reminiscent of awkwardness during boring group assignments with classmates he barely knew, or waiting as the cashier finished scanning every item. But with Finn - or people like Finn - it felt intimate. Not the silence-before-a-kiss kind of intimate or that of a long-shared bed (not that Sean would know). But the type of intimacy that felt like speaking would be breaking an unspoken promise.'

"Look at you go!" Finn gasped, clutching his hands over his chest. 

It had only been about a month now; a month of working at the farm, of living with Cassidy, Finn and the rest. Just a couple of weeks and yet, Sean found himself feeling right at home, almost like he belonged. He even let himself believe that they might want him around. 

"Mama hen is so proud of you, Sean Diaz!" Finn was beaming, a toothy smile stretching his features. 

In the 36 days (and counting) Sean had spent in Humboldt, Finn had been the one tutoring him: train-hopping, beard-shaving, food-hunting. And this included bud-trimming, too. Thanks to him, Sean knew just enough to not feel like such a fraud in front of Merrill, and make a decent pay, on top of that. All because of Finn, Sean and Daniel finally had a real chance of making it, after months of hopelessness. 

Now, things were far from ideal, but Sean felt incredibly thankful, because things could also be much worse. They had work, a place to live, and people willing to stick their necks out for them. 

Finn had yet to ask for his end of the deal, after vouching for them with Merrill. All Sean had gotten so far when inquiring about it was either a lazy smile or a wink. It was hard to believe that complete strangers would help them so willingly, without expecting anything in return. But it had been a month. 

"Damn Sean, do ya have a train to catch or sumthin'?! Look at all those buds!" Cassidy gently elbowed his side. 

Though this wasn't his first time putting theory into practice, Sean had had yet to do such an efficient job. 

"I just had a good teacher," Sean replied timidly. 

"Aw now now, don't you be making me blush." Finn covered his face with both his hands, naturally drawing a smile from Sean. 

"Yeah yeah, Sean is the fucking king of trimming. Can we keep working now?" Hannah spat. 

Cassidy was a delight to be around, and she had immediately made Sean feel welcome. Finn had taught him so much about the world, and kept going out of his way to help them. But Hannah… Sean definitely liked her. He regarded her highly and respected her drive to protect her friends. But he wasn’t sure she felt that way about him. And he hoped to change that.  
Sean felt compelled to prove himself to her, and genuinely strove to show his good intentions. He related to her more than anyone else in the group. He too felt wary of strangers, Daniel was his entire world now, everyone else a potential threat. But the gang had quickly won him over, and had proved refreshing for both himself and Daniel. 

That day, like most others, was long and dull. 

Finn and Cassidy made them bearable, though. They made everything - really - fun and special. They were the kind of people Sean would spot in the streets and stare at bashfully; the type to inspire him for playlists, most of the songs probably by Gorillaz; the sort of individuals he craved to draw from every angle. 

But those days were gone. No more wistful afternoons spent drifting away, carried by music and dreams. He had to worry about everything now: not just school and friends, but food, money, housing, survival, Daniel.

Daniel. 

Sean looked up. His brother had spent the entire trip back to camp rubbing the soles of his shoes together, quiet and far, far away.

"Feeling okay, enano?" 

Daniel jumped off Big Joe's truck, tugging at his shirt. He shrugged. 

"I guess. I just feel gross." 

"Yeah, me too. We should go swimming." 

Daniel’s face lit up. “Oh!” he cried, and without further notice, he was already rushing away. 

"Race you!" Daniel screamed over his shoulder as he slowly disappeared between the trees.

Sean chased after him, yelling something about cheating and not wanting to clean the dishes again. Quick footsteps echoed his, following closely behind. 

Daniel reached the river first, bouncing on his feet and wiggling in victory. Sean arrived shortly after at a leisurely jog. He knew how much Daniel hated doing the dishes. He could at least give him that.

The boy’s eyes widened, looking past his brother. "Penny! Cassidy! FINN! You're going to swim with us!?" 

"Hell yeah!", Penny answered, already taking off his shirt. 

The five of them stripped down to their comfort levels, before throwing themselves in the chilly water. The air was warm despite the slow disappearing sun. Sean welcomed the fresh feeling on his skin. 

Daniel couldn't keep himself from splashing everyone at least once, as per the tradition. Cassidy and Finn were the only ones who took the bait, splashing him back and so, initiating battle. Soon enough, Daniel was stradling Finn’s shoulders as Cassidy tried to push them off into the water.

Sean watched at a distance with half a smile. The exhaustion of the day was already washing away with the shifting water, and seeing Daniel so blissful lifted that all-too-familiar weight off his chest. Everyone was so kind to his brother. Sean almost felt like a teenager again, not having to nanny Daniel around all the time. They all provided a distraction for the boy and Sean was grateful for it.

"Nah, I give up lil man! Please don't drown me!" This was all Sean heard, along Daniel's hysterical laughter, as he swam away a few minutes later.

He loved them all, but Sean always found himself in desperate need of time alone. It was the rarest resource these days. Daniel was with him most of the time still, and when he wasn't, Sean was usually busy or tired. 

But water… It was a great way to disappear. Taking in a deep breath, Sean dove and continued deeper. 

He was sure that, had running not being his thing, he would have taken up swimming lessons. Water almost felt as comfortable as solid ground to him. In the shower, there was nothing Sean liked more than sticking his head under the shower head, letting the flow of the water fill his ears and drown out the world.

Farther beneath the surface, Sean could still hear frantic splashing, voices, laughs… But they were all so far away. So he stayed. Stayed as long as he could. 

He would have stayed longer, had a hand not reached for his shoulder. 

The air in Sean’s lungs almost escaped him, but he managed to make it to the surface before it could. 

"Jesus!," Sean snapped, sucking in a sharp breath as he emerged.

"Sorry man, didn't mean to scare you." 

Sean opened his eyes despite the sting of the water. He had recognized Finn’s mellow voice and his heart skipped a beat, suddenly aware of how annoyed he had sounded.

"No it’s okay! I just... didn't hear you." He let out a strained laugh.

Sean pushed the wet hair out of his eyes. And he was correct: Finn was right there, hovering a few feet away, looking at him.

“Hi,” Finn purred, welcoming Sean’s now visible face with a teasing smile.

“H-hey,” Sean answered, holding Finn’s eyes long enough to acknowledge his presence, before averting his gaze.

Neither one spoke for a few minutes. 

"Uh so. Did you… need something?" 

Finn laughed. "Ah uh, yeah. Sorry. I… Fuck.” He thought for a bit. “ Yup, I forgot." 

"Oh. Okay." 

"Yeah." 

Silence fell again. In the distance, they could hear Daniel’s screams, accompanied by loud shouts from Penny and Cassidy.

"So… You cool and all?" Finn said. 

"Y… Yeah ? Yeah. Why?" 

Finn raised his hands, exposing his palms. "Oh nothing just… You know. Making conversation." 

"Okay." Sean stayed quiet for a little, before adding, "You?" 

"Oh yeah, I'm totally cool." 

"Okay. That's… good."

"Yup."

They both fell silent again.

For some reason, Sean didn't mind.  
Silence was usually uncomfortable, reminiscent of awkwardness during boring group assignments with classmates he barely knew, or waiting as the cashier finished scanning every item. But with Finn - or people like Finn - it felt intimate. Not the silence-before-a-kiss kind of intimate or that of a long-shared bed (not that Sean would know). But the type of intimacy that felt like speaking would be breaking an unspoken promise.

And maybe Finn needed the quiet too. Maybe he had joined Sean for the same reason Sean had left. Maybe Finn understood Sean, and no one had understood Finn’s desire for peace before him. So Sean didn’t speak, enjoying the faint sounds of the water as they kept themselves afloat.

Silence felt rejuvenating with people like Finn.  
Sean didn’t know other people like him, but he wagered they must be more out there, right? At least, he hoped so. Because things had rarely felt as simple as they did with him. And that, in itself, was a miracle - people underestimated how much “simple” could be worth. High-school, family, friends, jobs, love - everything in Sean’s life had become increasingly complicated as time went by.  
But Finn... Finn felt like staring out the window of a deserted diner at night, watching the cars glow by in the dark. 

Or maybe it wasn’t him that made everything feel so different. Perhaps it was just the place Sean was at in life, being out in the woods, living day to day, having lost everything. Surely this had to explain some of it.  
Or maybe it was all of it: Finn, the trees, the running away. Because Sean could explain with the recent events some of the things he felt. But not most of them. Few of them, actually.  
Like, why did Finn make him feel so meek at times, and at others, so mature and understood? Fuck, maybe he didn’t make things feel easy. But maybe what was different there was that Sean didn’t mind. Yeah, that was it. He liked the way Finn - the woods, the novelty, whatever it was - made him feel: all over the place and right here too.

"I remember." 

Sean turned to Finn with raised eyebrows, pulled from his reverie.

"Oh, okay." 

"So, why did you leave?" 

Sean frowned. "Leave?" 

"Yeah. When we met you, you seemed… Like, good, you know? Visiting family or somethin'? And then, you're train-hopping and running into us?" 

Sean was yanked back to the harshness of reality by the sudden tug in his stomach. Finn must have noticed his nervosity because he spoke up before Sean could.

"Sorry, don't mean to be nosy. I'm just curious I guess. It's fine if you don't wanna talk about it and stuff." Finn’s features relaxed into a sloppy smile. Sean felt somewhat reassured by it.

He breathed in deeply. "We were.” He swallowed hard, before looking at Finn in the eyes. “We were visiting family. Our grandparents but… we were also running away from the cops. And they found us. So we had to run again." His voice caught in his throat.

Finn nodded, quiet for a bit.

"Shit."

"Yeah." 

Sean expected more: questions, looks. But Finn didn't add anything, returning to his quiet contemplation of the horizon. The conversation hadn’t seemed to make the silence any different. Sean felt silly for thinking it would; they were workers on a pot farm, why did he think Finn would judge him for being in trouble with the law?  
Sean definitely cared too much about the way Finn saw him. But he couldn’t help it. He longed to feel validated by this wandering oddity.

God, Sean was being stupid again.

The water around him rippled as Finn shifted, now lying afloat at the surface of the lake, his face towards the sky. His hands were crossed over his stomach, his eyes closed.

Okay - this was exactly why Sean loved drawing: moments like those where time rushing by didn’t seem to matter, where Sean felt like an outsider witnessing a small intimate fragment of someone’s life. He loved the process of memorizing the lines, thinking about how to best translate the curves, the angles, the shading. Sketching felt like reliving these memories, understanding them down to their very core.

This wouldn’t be an easy sight to recreate. The light was tricky: the sun had died away, but a soft glow remained, dancing in the water, the moon mirrored on its dark amorphous surface. The shadows were intense and thick, the angles dangerously sharp, but there was an overall softness to the whole thing that Sean had to figure out how to portray. 

Maybe it wasn’t so much the environment, but the dynamics? The way water smoothed everything, embracing the forms one moment, reshaping them the other. Or maybe it was the subject? The trust it took to look so vulnerable close to a near-stranger. The way Finn looked so much younger, his features devoid of a smile only someone who had seen hell could carry so easily. The way his dreadlocks floated around him, his whole body afloat amidst space and stars. The way his hands-

“Enjoying the view?”

Sean nearly yelled in surprise. Finn was now staring at him, no longer on his back. Sean felt suddenly very aware of his thoughts. His throat felt tight, and speaking was abruptly foreign to him.

“Wha- I… no! I was just… What? I-”

“It’s fine, I don’t mind.” Despite the darkness, Sean could see the mischievous smile on Finn’s lips.

“No I swear I was just… I wasn’t… I’m just thinking of drawing y-”

Sean froze.  
What was worse? Admitting his desire to draw someone he barely knew, in a moment of vulnerability? Or confessing how aesthetically pleasing Finn - the scene - was? Shit, Sean was being a creep, wasn’t he?

“That’s cool,” Finn added.

Sean’s mouth fell open.

Finn’s smile faded, but his features seemed relaxed still. He kicked his legs, and was now back to his previous position, eyes closed.

He couldn’t believe it. Sean couldn’t believe that this whole conversation had happened, and that, above all, Finn was still okay with him. He was really pushing his luck, being weird and awkward, so Sean decided to leave. Leave before making a fool of himself, again, inevitably leading Finn to realize how much of a loser he was in reality.

“I’m gonna go back,” Sean blurted out.

At that, Finn opened his eyes and looked at him, frowning slightly.

“Oh. Okay. No problem.”

“I’m just getting kinda cold.” He had no idea why he felt the need to justify himself. Thankfully, Finn didn’t seem to hear him, or if he did, showed no sign of it.

Sean began making his way back to shore.

He was surprised to see the others had already gone back. He had no idea how long he and Finn had been alone. 

Sean threw his clothes back on after drying himself, pouting as the smell of weed stuck to the fabric hit his nose. Spending so much time near cannabis for work made its smell very different to him. Memories of friends and parties had been long replaced by sweat and blood.

He took a few minutes to collect his thoughts. Sean felt like such an idiot. Everyone was being so nice to him, but he couldn’t help himself; he had to fuck that up too by being a weirdo.

It was so hard to feel like a part of this group. Not because of them. Sean simply felt that they had lived such thrilling lives, they had to see right through him, right? Just a scared city boy playing pretend, with whom they had nothing in common. They probably were only nice to him to be polite. And honestly, he couldn’t blame them.

When he emerged from the woods, Sean found Cassidy and Daniel by the fire. They seemed deep in conversation, and Sean mused over the idea of walking straight to his tent. But he knew Daniel would want to be tucked in first. And though the idea of collapsing to sleep, alone, was very pleasing, it wasn’t worth dealing with a tantrum.

“Hey Sean!” Cassidy waved him over as he approached. He took a seat by Daniel on a large log.

“Hey Cassidy. You two seem to be having fun.”

“Yes!” Daniel screamed. “We’re talking about our favorite movies!”

Cassidy nodded. “Uh uh.” She leaned closer, her elbows resting on her knees. “What about you? Good talk?” She winked.

“What?” Sean felt his cheeks grow hot. He pulled his hood over his head and wrapped his arms around himself.

“Goddamnit, it’s fucking cold,” he quickly added.

Daniel giggled. “No it’s nooot!”

“Okay okay, we don’t have to talk about it Sean.” She shrugged with an exaggerated eye roll. 

Daniel yelled a random movie title to Cassidy, and they were back to arguing. Thank God.

Sean was too tired to pay attention to what they were saying, but from the looks of it, Cassidy was humoring Daniel, looking at him with wide eyes and a big smile.

She was so awesome.  
Sean couldn’t lie to himself. Cassidy had made an impression on him the moment he saw her. She just looked so… Just. Yeah. He didn’t know how to feel about it. He didn’t know how he felt about her. But he didn’t want to figure it out, not right now.

“Alright boys!” Sean looked up as Cassidy got to her feet and stretched. “I’m gonna crash now. Long day tomorrow.” She made her way to her tent, while Daniel frantically waved her off.

Being near the fire after their dive felt exquisite. It really wasn’t cold at all, but nights were definitely cooler, and warmth felt welcome on Sean’s fresh-out-of-the-water hands.

“Hey Sean?” Daniel was also staring at the flames, tapping his hands on his knees.

“Yeah enano, what’s up?”

“How long are we going to stay here?”

The age-old question. Daniel wasn’t the only one tired of constantly running away. This whole thing was definitely a temporary solution, but Sean hoped it would last a bit longer, at the very least. He knew, though. He knew that the longer they stayed, the deeper their roots. Unearthing themselves would become harder with every second spent with the rest of the trees.

“I don’t know, Daniel. Maybe a few months? Long enough to get more money for Puerto Lobos.”

“Oh. Okay.” Daniel picked at a loose thread on his worn pants.

“Why?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I kind of like it here.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Could we stay here instead?”

Sean was exhausted. Exhausted of having to explain it all to his brother: why they couldn’t stay in one place for too long, why they couldn’t call Noah or Chris, why they couldn’t go back to Seattle. But it was his job now - as his brother and father figure. And he hated it. Not because of Daniel, but because of the circumstances that led them to this situation, and because of how hard it was. He didn’t want to uproot his brother. He didn’t want to cleave his own bark with an axe. He could already feel his branches wrapping around the others. The longer they waited, the more damage there would be.

“Dude, I’ve told you already. We can’t stay in the US or the cops will find us again, like they did at our grandparents’.”

The boy stood quiet, his knees now tucked against his chest. 

“I know this sucks. I wish we could stay too. But we can’t.” 

All Sean wanted right now was to sleep and not be having this discussion for the billionth time. But he had to admit it: he was still glad that Daniel didn’t bottle it all up until it blew up in their faces. Whether figuratively or not.

“I guess.”

This was the end of the conversation, Sean knew that tone. He quickly seized this opportunity to signal their time for bed, before any more unpleasant conversation.

As they began making their way to their tent, Finn appeared.

“Hey guys.” He waved at them, a blunt hanging from his lips, his shirt thrown across his shoulder. 

“Hey Finn! We’re going to sleep,” Daniel said with a yawn.

“Nice. I’m gonna go too after some light reading. Y’all have a good night, okay?”

They both nodded. Finn shot them with finger guns before plopping down on the ground near the fire. Sean thought about staying up with him, but he knew better than to abandon Daniel, and give himself more chances of fucking up with Finn.

As Daniel settled beneath the blanket, Sean started sketching the outline of his next drawing. He had to get the main lines down before sleep, afraid of losing the essence of the scene. 

Retracing the lines of the water, of the distant forest, of Finn’s face - it brought a strange but pleasant warmth in his chest.

“What are you drawing?” Daniel peeked over his shoulder.

Sean snapped his notebook shut. “Man! You know you can’t look at my drawings until they’re finished!”

“Ugh, I know! But even when they’re finished you never show them to me!” Daniel crossed his arms over his chest.

Sean sighed. “Okay, sorry, sorry. Jesus. I’ll show you this time. But let me finish it first, okay?”

“Okay.” 

Daniel didn’t sound convinced, and he was right not to be. Sean might have simply forgotten to show him the other ones, but this drawing, he wasn’t going to share. He wanted the memory to be his only.  
___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I would also like to give a shoutout to @alcrevette for helping me with the editing and inspiring me to write. You're the best <3


	2. honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Thinking of Finn just made him feel so giddy - and stupid. He just kept wondering what it would feel like to make him smile and what he smelled like and how it felt to kiss him. Did that make him gay or just curious or… something else?'

“Sean.” 

In the quiet of his room, Sean felt the air disturbed by a faint voice. But his sleep was too thick for the words to reach him.

“Sean!”

Daniel was in the room. His room. That little shit knew that Sean’s bedroom was off-limit!

His eyes flew open. But they weren’t met with chipped white paint. It was… canvas? 

In an instant, it felt like Sean’s whole body had just been thrust into a wall. They were still in the tent they borrowed from Finn. Still in Humboldt. Still on the run.

And it was still nighttime, too. Which meant he had just been robbed of a few more hours of blissful ignorance. All of it because of his brother. 

His small hands were clutching Sean’s arm, shaking him awake.

“Ugh, what is it Daniel?” Sean covered his eyes with his arm, pulling away from his brother’s grasp. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to be here. Why did he have to be here? Why did Daniel have to make him be here?!

“My head hurts. A lot.” Daniel’s words barely escaped his throat. Sean immediately felt bad for blaming him. But fuck, being woken up with a slap by reality made it difficult to be good-big-brother. 

Sean sighed, pulling his arm away from his face. Daniel was crouched by his side, his face twisted with pain. He looked at his little brother and put his hand on his shoulder.

This wasn’t the first time Daniel mentioned headaches; they guessed them to be side-effects of his powers.

“Can we go see the doctor please?”

Merrill paid a doctor under the table; she took care of his workers when one of them got severely injured. Sean had only met her once, after Daniel hurt his hand pretty bad while bud-trimming. She helped illegal workers and immigrants graciously, while also working her day-job as a law-abiding medic.

“No Daniel, we can’t. You know we can only see the doc if it’s super serious.”

“But it is! It fucking hurts!” Daniel shrugged off Sean’s hand.

He winced. “I know, Dan-”

“No you don’t!” Daniel jumped to his feet, tears swelling in his eyes. “You don’t know what it feels like! Stop saying you do!”

“Okay I don’t!” Sean sat up and placed his hands on Daniel’s arms, steadying him. “You’re right. I have no idea. But we can’t go. What I can do is ask the others tomorrow morning if they have meds or anything that can help, okay?”

Daniel’s eyebrows were low over his eyes. He didn’t look at Sean. “Maybe.”

“Do you want to go take a walk? Maybe some fresh air will help.”

His brother rocked his body back and forth, from his tiptoes to his heels, thinking.

“Mmh. Yeah, I’d like that I think.” Daniel already sounded calmer. Sean knew that his headaches were as potent as his powers, so he really couldn’t blame him for being so moody, even if it sucked.

“Okay. Let’s do that.” Sean pulled his hoodie on, before wrapping the blanket around Daniel’s shoulders.

He held the tent flaps open for his brother, before exiting himself. Sean made sure to bring their flashlight with. But to his surprise, it wasn’t needed as soon as they were out. And that was because Hannah was sitting outside with one of those exterior lamps on. 

Before leaving, Sean had checked the time: 4:36 am. Nighttime could be pretty eventful around here, but rarely past 2-3 am. He wondered why Hannah was still up and about, but he knew better than to ask.

However, Sean couldn’t help but wonder even harder when Finn exited his tent and joined Hannah. He sat beside her, his back to Sean and Daniel, while she faced them. Both were in their underwear; Sean tried to ignore it but it was a fact hard not to notice, even sleep-deprived.

There was plenty he had yet to find out about each member of the camp. But for some reason, Hannah and Finn being a thing was never something Sean would have ever thought of.

“Sean?” 

Hannah’s voice shook him out of his thoughts. Fuck, he hadn’t meant to meddle, but his feet had stopped by themselves. 

At the name, Finn leaned back on his elbows, craning his neck to look at Daniel and Sean upside down.

“Heeeey! The Diaz brothers.” He sunk a little bit lower. “Why are y’all up so late?” 

Finn’s speech was a bit slurred, but nothing Sean hadn’t witnessed before. Finn drank sometimes, but never to the point of being trashed. Or at least, he never had in front of them.

“Hum. Daniel isn’t feeling well, so we’re just gonna take a walk, breathe some fresh air.” Sean tried a smile, but he was too tired for it to be wide enough not to look disingenuous.

“Ah yeah, good call. Nature and shit, always helps!” Finn leaned back further and further, until he was straight-up lying on his back, still looking at the two of them.

“Uh. What about you?” Sean asked. 

He didn’t inquire with the intent of confirming what was already very clear. Sean had simply gotten into the habit of always asking questions back. Especially with Finn, who asked a lot of questions: about his past life, what he liked, what it was like being a brother, if he felt well, if there was something he felt like eating for dinner. It made Sean feel like everything he ever experienced and felt truly mattered. And he wanted everyone to feel that way. Moreover, he was always interested in learning more about the others and showing his involvement with them.

What Finn and Hannah or anyone else did in their private time was none of his business. If these two were happy doing whatever, then Sean was happy too. But now he was scared asking had been the wrong move.

However, Finn simply laughed. So it mustn't have been such a big deal for him to know. Sean felt relieved - life kept throwing opportunities at him to mess up his relationship with Finn, and everyone, really. But fortunately for him, they were all awesome.

“Okay, we’re just gonna leave you guys alone. Have a good night.” Sean smiled and led his brother away while Finn waved at them.

“Finn was weird,” Daniel whispered once they had reached the lake.

“I think he was just tipsy,” Sean said, letting out a small laugh.

“Why were they all cuddly? Ew, do you think they’re like… boyfriend and girlfriend?!” Daniel sounded outraged. Sean chuckled.

“Would that be a bad thing?”

The two of them took a seat near the water. Daniel offered a piece of his blanket to Sean, who accepted it happily.

“Uh, yeah! Finn is too cool for Hannah!”

Sean frowned. “Too cool for her? Why?” 

“I don’t know, she’s…,” Daniel swayed left and right, deep in thought, “I don’t know. I’m not sure I like her.”

“Don’t you think she’s cool too though?”

“I don’t think so. She’s like… kind of upset all the time.”

Sean pinched his lips, considering his next words. “I don’t think she is. I think she’s just tired of posers and takes things seriously, that’s all.”

Daniel stood quiet for a little. “But… everyone else is so nice though. I mean, I don’t know all the boys very much. But all the girls are. Except for Hannah. Isn’t it kinda… weird?”

“No it’s not, Daniel. They’re all different. And like, Jacob is quiet and shy, but you like him, right? Penny is pretty serious too, and frank. But that was never a problem, yeah? So it’s just the same with Hannah.” Sean watched as Daniel narrowed his eyes, listening carefully. “She cares a lot about her friends, and she has no time to pretend to be someone she’s not. I think. I mean, I’m not in her head and I don’t pretend to know jack shit about her but… you know. She’s just… a different type of cool.”

Daniel frowned. “Mmh… I guess that makes sense.”

His brother began chewing his lips, signaling Sean that it was time for them to start moving again. So they got up and began walking around the edge of the lake.

“Okay, I’ve thought about it and I think she’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah? What made you change your mind?”

“Well, I thought about a boy that would be just like her, and I thought he was cool. So I guess if that would make a boy cool, it would for a girl too, right?”

Sean smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, it would.”

They continued in silence.

“And it sounds like you like her, so that makes her even cooler.”

Sean huffed. “Well, not really. She’s cool no matter what I think. But I do like her.”

“Like… like like her? Or just… like?”

“What?” Sean shook his head with a frown. “No, Daniel, I just like her. You can like a girl… or a boy, without making it weird and all about love, you know?”

“I know, I know.” He tugged at the blanket, readjusting it over his shoulders. “You’ve just never had a girlfriend before and I was thinking maybe it would be kind of cool if you did.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’d have more time with Finn!”

Sean opened his mouth wide. “Oh, so you just want to get rid of me, that’s it?!”

Daniel chuckled. “Maaaaybe.”

“Yeah, well, what if it was Finn?” Sean pushed him playfully.

Daniel let out a surprised laugh.

“He’s not a girl though, he can’t be your girlfriend!” Sean felt his heart stop. 

Fuck, why did he have to say that? Finn was obviously taken and - shit, that wasn’t even the point! Sean wasn’t interested. Or if he was, it couldn’t be. Finn was definitely too cool for him and Sean didn’t want to date and also he wasn’t into boys. Last he checked. Of course he wasn’t! He liked girls and never liked guys before and holy shit WHO CARES. Just shut up, Sean.

Ugh, he just didn’t want to have this conversation with his brother. Not right now.

Daniel frowned. “That’d make him your… boyfriend? Mmh. I guess it’d be fine. As long as you guys let me hang out with you and aren’t being gross.”

Sean looked at Daniel with wide eyes. His brother was… something. He was relieved this conversation wasn’t going to make things weird. God, Daniel could be such a pain, but he was pretty cool too. Sometimes.

“It doesn’t even matter,” Sean said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. “They’re both taken, and I’m not really interested in anyone.”

“Mmh. Okay. That sucks.”

“Yeah. I guess it does.”

After walking for about half an hour, the two of them made their way back to camp. Empty, this time.

“How are you feeling now?” Sean asked as they settled in bed.

“A bit better. Thanks, Sean.”

“Of course,” he smiled, before turning off the lights.  
___

So, Sean had about two hours to kill now.

His brother was fast asleep, he could tell by how his breathing had gone slower, which was the perfect opportunity for him to draw in peace. He wasn’t about to try and go back to sleep. He knew better than to waste two hours staring up at nothing.

Sean fished his notebook, pen and reading light out of his backpack, before installing himself comfortably.

There was a lot of work left. He had gotten the gist of the drawing down, the bones. Now, the matter needed to be added.

Sean focused on the background first. The trees needed more work, their leaves were too cartoonish and their trunks too bland. This wasn’t too difficult.

He then began adding shading where no touch-ups were needed. 

Finally, he moved on to the main subject. So far, all Sean had drawn was the main shape of the body and Finn’s features. He brought his pen to the page.

Something was holding him back. Maybe he was afraid of messing up? That had never stopped him from trying before. He could do better in another drawing, or just rip the page out and try again. It just made him feel weird. Re-thinking about Finn, peaceful and completely bare for him to study. He even had gotten his permission to stare, for references. But still. 

It was like Finn was looking over his shoulder as he drew him: the pressure, the insecurities, the expectations. Sean could never get anything close to the real thing. And he didn’t want any lesser version, because fuck was the original one great.

Sean put his pen down. What the fuck, man. He felt… confused. About so much. And he kept bringing it back to their situation. Surely, the fact that they were so far from home made things just weird but Finn… He brought confusion in places where there had never been before.

So, okay. He just couldn’t keep being stupid with himself. If he was to think about - that - then better think about it once and for all.

Sean liked girls. He was pretty sure of that. He had had plenty of crushes before and had wished for a girlfriend for a while now. He had met so many amazing ones before; funny, talented, strong, smart. He’d feel really lucky to have a girl be interested in him, ever. And he was sure it’d be really nice. Amazing. Yeah.

Now… boys. They were also nice and smart and all. But Sean had never really thought about it that way. He didn’t really know why. It wasn’t something to be ashamed about, and his family had always been loving and open. He just never really had a reason to. Until now.  
Thinking of Finn just made him feel so giddy - and stupid. He just kept wondering what it would feel like to make him smile and what he smelled like and how it felt to kiss him. Did that make him gay or just curious or… something else?

Sex never really was something Sean thought about. He knew about it. He wanted to try it. But also not really.

He had talked about it before with Lyla and she had told him about… asexuality? It was strange to him; sometimes, he did feel the need to touch himself. But, it was never really more than that? He didn’t really get the whole sexual attraction deal. He didn’t get turned on or whatever. It was more of a random meaningless need he sometimes had that wasn’t connected to anything else. He didn’t mind thinking about it, but he could honestly never have sex in his life and be fine. 

Therefore, he never had had an epiphany or something concrete to base his orientation on. He thought about girls, about kissing them, being with them, going on dates. He had thought about sex too, and he was curious but he wasn’t sure he wanted it 100% yet. So… for boys. It was the same? 

Sean flipped his hood on and hugged himself.

He felt weird. He didn’t like porn, he didn’t really get boners, his friends kept talking about sex and stuff but he never really… got it. None of it. He respected it, but it was almost like listening in on a conversation you had no context for on a topic you knew nothing about.

So, if he didn’t feel sexually attracted to girls, maybe him not being sexually attracted to guys didn’t mean anything. And… yeah, maybe Sean had been curious about sex not only with girls. He had never actually wanted to really act on it. But he just wondered. 

Sean lay down, staring at the tent canvas.

Would he like being with a guy? He honestly couldn’t really imagine it with anyone other than Finn. So… what about it? Would it feel good to hold his hand? And kiss him?

Sean smiled, before pushing his hands over his face.

Holy shit he had a crush on Finn.

Okay, what was he supposed to do now? Did that mean he was bi? Holy shit he was bi. And he wanted to date Finn. Damn. 

But he couldn’t. Cause, well, Finn was with Hannah. And even then, Finn was just so wonderful, why would he want to be with Sean and… fuck, was Finn also into guys? Sean had never had to worry about that before. That was pretty wild but… he liked it? He liked thinking about running his thumb over Finn’s chin tattoo, memorizing the smell of his perfume, feeling the warmth of his skin, seeing him smile because of him. 

He didn’t want to make things weird. Well, to be fair, that was pretty well underway without the crush aspect. But he didn’t want conflict with Hannah. And honestly, he wasn’t really jealous. If Finn was also into all genders, Sean still would be okay with them, because if Finn was happy then all was well. Sure, he’d like to be the one with him, but he could stand seeing Finn smile because of someone else. As long as he smiled.

Sean breathed in sharply and exhaled slowly.

Okay. That was done. He was into guys, girls, and everyone else. He was also ace, probably. Great.

Sunlight was not what Sean had expected to see when taking his hands off his face. Had he really spent two hours drawing and thinking? Well, at least now he could get up and start his day.

Beside him, Daniel was still asleep, so Sean quietly crawled out of the tent. 

“Morning Sean,” Cassidy slipped between a yawn as he approached the kitchen.

“Hey, Cass.” Sean sat down at the table. “Slept well?”

“Okay. My back fucking hurts.”

“Shit, sorry.”

“Heh, what can we do?”

“Coffee?” Sean offered with a smile.

“Coffee does solve ever’thin’. Thanks, Sean.”

Getting up, Sean went to prepare two cups for them and made sure to leave enough in the machine for Penny.

“What about you? Sweet dreams?”

If only she knew.

“Yeah, it was alright. Daniel had another headache though.”

“Aw fuck, another?”

“Yeah. I really need to find meds for him. We’ve been so busy I haven’t really had the chance to.”

“Well, ain’t this your lucky day. Since we’re off today, Finn, Hannah and I are gonna go downtown buy some stuff. Do you want me to look into that?”

Sean looked up from his steaming cup. “Fuck, really?”

“Hell yeah, if it can help.”

“Absolutely, that’d be great. Thank you Cass, you rock.”

“Yes, I do.” She stuck her tongue out and made the horn sign with her fingers.

They both spent the rest of the morning drinking coffee and eating breakfast quietly.  
___

“Good morning sleepyhead. Hurry up, we gotta leave soon,” Cassidy said, looking past Sean.

Turning around, he saw a sleepy Finn make his way towards them.

“Aw shit, I forgot. Nevermind, I’ll just hit the shower, fuck breakfast.” He turned around and began shuffling away before stopping.

“Actually,” Sean watched as he turned back and walked up to the table.

“Good mornin’ my dear Cassidy.” He gave a little bow. “Hi, Sean Diaz,” he said, with a wink.

“Hey,” Sean said, his lips drawing into a clumsy smile.

“Yeah yeah, hi. Now fuck off and get ready.” Finn laughed before kissing Cassidy’s cheek and hurrying away.

“I should check up on Daniel.” Sean pushed out of his chair and wished Cassidy a good day, thanking her again for offering to buy meds. He made his way to their tent.

“Hey.”

Daniel rubbed his eyes. “Good morning Sean.”

“Did you get some rest?”

“Yes. My head still hurts a bit though.”

Sean sat by his brother. “Cassidy is going to buy you painkillers today.”

Daniel looked up, his eyes wide. “Really? Awesome.”

He still sounded in pain but forced a smile. Sean tousled his hair.

“You can rest some more today if you want. I’ll probably do my chores and then draw.”

“I’ll have breakfast but yeah, rest sounds good.”

Daniel got up, accompanied by his brother. They were just in time to wave off Cassidy and the rest as they left for groceries.

Sean began with yesterday’s dishes. After all, he had lost the race up to the lake. Daniel thanked him.

It was quickly over with, thankfully. His mind was against him today, worrying about Puerto Lobos and Daniel’s health and so much more he had little control over.

Once done, Sean walked around the camp, gathering junk and bringing the trash in the containers by Big Joe’s. After a quick shower, he was done, so he headed back to his tent. Daniel was already there.

“Thanks again for the dishes, Sean.”

“No problem enano. You did win the race.”

“Yeah I did.” He smiled proudly.  
___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	3. vulnerability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> '“You don’t have to know how to react, Sean. You don’t need to think about it.” Sean felt his heart stop as Finn approached him and tapped his finger against Sean’s forehead. “You’re too much there, Sean. Be there.” This time, he tapped his chest.'

Today was painfully hot. 

Their clothes stuck to them like a second layer of skin, their hair wet with sweat. Sean and Daniel had to relocate by the river, the heat in their tent unbearable. 

The trees growing near the water gave them shelter. Sean sat in the shadows, his feet in the lake, while Daniel waddled in the shaded area of the water. He seemed better but remained pretty quiet.

Sean had moved on; he had started a new drawing, and thought about working on the previous one later, maybe. 

This one was an old memory. On the page was a distant mountain range dotted with cabins. Sean was now sketching Daniel in his ski attire, a toothy smile lighting up his goofy face. By his side were two roughly-drawn figures. Sean, and their dad.

“Sean, look!” He looked up as Daniel called out. His brother had fished out a tire and was levitating it above the water.

“Jesus, dude. Are you really gonna find all the garbage in the lake? You’re just gonna convince us to stop swimming there.”

“Whether you know it’s there or not doesn’t change the fact that it’s there, Sean!” 

God, he hated how smart his brother was sometimes.

Daniel threw the wheel at a tree back on the shore. He screeched when it caught on a branch, before punching the air. Sean shook his head, returning to his drawing.

He didn’t really remember what his dad looked like in that memory. 

Sean let out a shaky breath. Fuck, was he going to slowly forget what he looked like? If it weren’t for the photograph they carried with them, would he have forgotten already? 

“Cassidy! Finn!”

Sean turned around and did indeed spot Cassidy and Finn walking over.

“Hey Daniel! Glad to see you’re doing better!” she yelled before sitting down beside Sean. Finn stood at the edge of the water, talking with his brother, hands on his hips.

“Here.” She placed a paper bag on Sean’s lap.

Taking a look inside, he found painkillers, snacks, pens, and a toothbrush.

“Wow, thanks Cassidy.”

“The snacks are for Daniel and the pens for you. Presents from Finn.”

Sean glanced over. Finn was now rolling his pants up as Daniel jumped excitedly.

“I’ll make sure to thank him. Thanks again, Cass.”

“Sure thing.”

Sean smiled, before going back to drawing.

“Sooooo, whatcha up to?”

He looked at Cassidy.

“Uh... Drawing.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Who?”

He frowned.

“Sorry sorry. Finn just told me you said you were gonna draw him so I’m just… curious.”

Sean felt his cheeks grow hot. Finn had told her? Why? 

“Is it cool that he told me? Like, he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. He was just super excited.”

Fuck. 

“Uh, yeah. Of course.” Sean laughed nervously. “It’s fine. I’m just not done yet.”

“Okay. No worries.” She bumped into him, chuckling. 

After a few minutes of silence, she got on her feet.

“Alright, I’m fucking bored. See ya, Sean.”

“See you, Cass.” She quickly disappeared in the distance.

Daniel was now piggy-backing Finn as they screamed at imaginary water monsters. Sean huffed before beginning to sketch them on a new page. He gave Daniel an armor and Finn a flaming sword to fight off the giant snakes emerging from the water.  
___

The rest of the afternoon unraveled languidly. 

Daniel spent it playing with Finn, while Sean drew the day away. Eventually, Daniel got hungry, rushing away in search of snacks.

“Hey, Sean. Seat’s taken?”

Sean looked up at Finn, shaking his head with a smile. He returned his attention to his sketchbook resting in his lap.

Finn lay down, his head propped on his hand, looking over at Sean. He took out a cigarette from his back pocket and lit it.

“Want one?” Finn had another one hanging between two fingers already, over Sean’s notebook.

Sean hesitated. He was still drawing. But he probably would benefit from a break.

“Yeah, thanks.” He took the cigarette from Finn’s hand, making sure not to brush his fingers against his, and tucked it between his lips. Sean leaned down as Finn clicked his lighter.

Sean pushed back, resting on his hands and extending his legs.

“Fuck.” He let out the smoke. It had been a while since he had smoked, and though he never did it that often before, he had come to miss it.

“Yeah,” Finn breathed.

They sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, and yet not long enough.

When his cigarette was gone, Sean went back to his occupation. Finn lit another and remained quiet for a bit longer.

“Did you see the pens we brought ya from shopping?” he finally said.

“Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot about that, man.”

Finn looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t see what you mean.” He grinned before looking away.

Why was he like that? Why did Finn keep helping them out, giving them stuff, vouching for them? He was getting nothing out of it, and yet, he wasn’t stopping. 

Sean could feel how much faster his heart began beating with Finn around. God, he was such an idiot. How had he not noticed before?

“You okay?”

Sean let out a surprised sound. “Oh. Yeah. I’m okay, sorry. Just… thinking.”

“Okay. Cool.” 

He frowned. “What about you? Are you okay?”

Finn stood silent before turning to him again. “Yo, are we good?”

Sean was completely taken aback. He closed his mouth, aware of how obvious his confusion was.

“Yeah. Of course we are. Why?” Sean watched as Finn nodded, before drawing on his cigarette.

“I don’t know, just checking. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

This had to be a prank, right? Finn made Sean a lot of things. But uncomfortable was not one of them.

He couldn’t help it; a huff escaped him. Finn looked at him with a puzzled smile.

“I’m sorry! I just… No, not at all, Finn. You… don’t make me uncomfortable, at all.”

He gave a weak smile. “Yeah? I just… thought about yesterday again and I thought you kind of… freaked because of how I said stuff, you know?”

“Absolutely not.” Sean surprised himself by how fast the words had escaped his mouth. “I just… don’t always know how to react. You’re always so chill and I’m just… not.”

Finn cocked his head to the side, still looking at Sean from his laid back position. “You don’t have to.”

Sean frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t have to know how to react, Sean. You don’t need to think about it.” Sean felt his heart stop as Finn approached him and tapped his finger against Sean’s forehead. “You’re too much there, Sean. Be there.” This time, he tapped his chest.

Shit, was he going to feel how fast his heart was beating now? Finn was so close. 

“Okay?”

Sean swallowed hard. “Y-yeah. Okay.”

Finn nodded, going back to smoking. “Good.”

Sean stood frozen for a moment, taking in what had just happened. He eventually went back to sketching, though all he really did was draw over the same line over and over again.

“I just-,” the words were out before he could even think about what he wanted to say. Finn turned over. No, he shifted his whole body to face Sean, his legs crossed.

Sean felt like the entire world was watching when really, it was just Finn. Well, maybe it was the same to him.

“I… I guess I’m so much in my head because… I don’t know. I feel like I never really belonged anywhere. Until now.” Finn looked at him so intensely, like each of his words were holy and had to be copied and spread around for worship. “You guys are all so… awesome. I don’t want to mess up. You make me feel like I belong, but I also can’t help feeling like I’m a fake.”

Finn stood quiet. So Sean continued.

“You all seem to have been through so much. I just… I’m not sure I have the right to be here.”

As soon as the last words were out of his mouth, Finn spoke. “Sean.” 

That’s all he said, before placing his hand - no, not quite - before letting his hand hover Sean’s knee for a second. When he saw that he didn’t pull away, Finn gently pressed down, rubbing his thumb back and forth on Sean’s leg.

This. This was all he ever wanted. If this was all he and Finn were ever going to have, then Sean was the luckiest man alive. 

“This ain’t no pissing contest. We’re all here for different reasons. What we care about isn’t why you’re here. We only care that you’re here, sweetie.”

Sean didn’t know what to say. It was all too much. The touch, the intimacy, sweetie, the genuine look of concern on his face, or the kindness of what he had just said. All he managed was a teary smile.

“Fuck, Finn. Uh… Thanks.”

Since then, things have been different.

It really had been a turning point for both Sean and his relationship with Finn. Sean didn’t feel like a fraud anymore. His anxiety had quietened down. He still cared about what they all thought. But he trusted a little more in his ability to be a functioning human. While with Finn? Things were… more than okay. They were great. There were more and more touches, pet names, and it was all so casual. Sean knew how he felt now, and he found comfort in knowing. Finn still made him feel all over. But he didn’t try to fight it, instead reveling in all the time they spent together.

After their talk, they both returned to watching the horizon in quiet, before Daniel arrived, his arms filled with snacks. He sat down with them, and they talked until the sun was behind the trees.

“Finn.”

Daniel had managed to go through a whole afternoon without making his brother uncomfortable, and this couldn’t stand apparently, because as soon as he spoke, Sean wanted nothing more but to disappear.

“Are you Hannah’s boyfriend?”

Finn burst out laughing. Sean felt his panic wash away, replaced by confusion.

“Oh, little man.” He placed his hand on Daniel’s shoulder. “No, I’m not Hannah’s boyfriend.”

But- 

“But why were you all gross together yesterday?” he asked with a frown.

Sean wouldn’t have phrased it that way, but that was the spirit of his own interrogations.

Finn smiled. “Well, you see. Some people like to… hug and cuddle and kiss with people without really dating, and stuff.”

Daniel looked even more perplexed. “So… you guys kiss but… aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“Yup, you got it.”

“Isn’t it against the rules though?”

Finn laughed again; high-pitched, delighted, exquisite. “That’s the thing, little man. There are no rules. Except your big bro’s, of course.” He shot a smile at Sean, who blushed. “You make your own rules. Hannah and I have made ours together. We can kiss and cuddle together when we feel like it. Get a little bit drunk after. Not before though, Daniel, okay? That’s the only rule. No kissing and cuddling without a clear yes. If you drunk or high, yes doesn’t count.”

Daniel nodded, the look on his face too sanctimonious for Sean not to smile.

“So yeah, I was saying: Hannah and I do stuff together. But we ain’t boyfriend and girlfriend. We can do stuff with anyone else, we can date, all of it. We’re free to do whatever! We just have to be honest about it. That’s our rules.”

Sean felt something in his stomach: surprise? relief? excitement? He knew this was stupid because even now that he knew Finn was free, this still didn’t mean that he liked boys, and even less so meant that he liked Sean. Still, he couldn’t help but hope.

“Mmh, I see.”

“People’ll try to tell you what’s normal and not, but fuck ‘em. No one can decide for you, okay? We make the rules.” He poked Daniel’s chest. Finn looked at Sean, before looking back at Daniel. “You’re too young for that though. Don’t have sex, okay? And listen to your brother’s rules. Most of them.” He glanced at Sean with a sly smile. 

Daniel nodded. “Okay. Thanks, Finn.” Finn smiled and presented his hand, which Daniel obviously high-fived.

“Can we go have dinner now?” 

“Yeah, it’s pretty late actually.” As soon as Sean had spoken, Daniel rushed away, his arm filled with empty snack wrappings.

“Thanks, Finn.” At his name, he turned.

“What for?”

Sean thought. “Everything. Getting us a job, helping us all the time, being so nice to Daniel, explaining it all to him. And for our talk. Thanks.”

He smiled, his blue eyes filled with a softness Sean craved to see day and night for the rest of his life. “Of course, sweetheart. Anything for my Diaz.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3


	4. affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Sean didn’t say anything. There was nothing to be said. All he wanted was to feel; feel the way the skin where Finn has kissed tingled, how warm his chest felt, how lightheaded he was.'

They had now gathered two-months worth of pay.

Sean slipped each bill from one hand to the other, carefully counting their amount. 

The low hum of Big Joe's truck engine soothed Sean's nervousness; he always felt anxious when having to total their money. But Sean was finally beginning to feel comfortable enough with the prospect of leaving, financially. Though a few more weeks were necessary, he thought, just to be safe.

As he reached the last bill, Sean's jaw clenched. 

It was covered in blood. The throbbing pain in his right hand quickly made him realize it was his. Inspecting it, he noticed a nasty gash across his palm. 

Sean hadn’t even given thought to the pain; his whole body always ached after a long day’s work. He had long stopped paying attention.

“Ouch.” Sean turned towards the voice. Finn was peeking over his shoulder. “Gotta be more careful, Sean Diaz. Can I?” 

Sean nodded. At that, Finn carefully grabbed Sean’s hand, examining it with a furrowed brow. 

“Mmh.” Sean couldn’t help himself from staring at Finn, at the way the triangles under his eyes twisted as he narrowed his eyes, his dreadlocks falling in his face as he leaned over Sean’s hand. 

“You should be okay. Doctor Finn can patch you right up.” He winked. 

Sean looked down at his hand, focusing on the way Finn's fingers wrapped around his, as to avoid staring at his face. “Thanks, that’d be nice. I don’t have anything to clean it up.”

During the whole trip back to camp, Finn didn’t let go of Sean’s hand.  
___

When they arrived, he led Sean to his tent without pause, an arm wrapped around his shoulders. It felt heavy, safe, grounding. Sean could get used to this. 

“Sit right here,” Finn patted a spot near him, and Sean hurried to follow his instructions. He sat with his legs crossed, facing Finn, before presenting his hand. 

He seized it, wrapping his fingers around Sean’s wrist. At the contact of his skin, Sean could feel his pulse quicken against Finn. 

“Alright, hang tight.” After another few seconds studying the wound, Finn finally let go. He turned to rummage through his bag, pulling from it gauze, sanitizer, and bandages.

Then, Finn placed his hand on Sean’s knee, barely pressing down, light as a feather, while using his other one to clean the injury.

He looked different, serious, his eyebrows low over his blue eyes, biting down on his bottom lip, examining the wound from every angle. Sean laughed to himself, thinking of the way he himself looked when focusing on a drawing. Maybe they had that in common. 

It was over too quickly though. Sean found himself letting out a disappointed huff as Finn began wrapping his hand with the bandages, breaking their touch.

“There you go. All shiny and new.”

“Thank you, Fi-”

Before Sean could finish, Finn had brought his dressed hand to his lips, placing a kiss on Sean’s palm.

“For quick recovery,” he said with a smile.

Sean didn’t say anything. There was nothing to be said. All he wanted was to feel; feel the way the skin where Finn has kissed tingled, how warm his chest felt, how lightheaded he was. 

Thankfully, Finn didn’t pay too much attention to Sean's red cheeks and wide eyes. He simply lay down and grabbed a book. 

Sean froze. Was he supposed to leave now? 

He didn’t want to ask and risk getting an answer he didn't have the strength to bear. So, instead, he just stood there, as still as possible, hoping Finn would forget about him.

But he didn’t. Peeking from behind his book, Finn spoke.

“You can make yourself comfortable. Mi casa es tu casa.”

Sean’s lips drew into a smile against his better judgment. But he didn’t say anything, simply lying down beside Finn, staring at the tent’s ceiling.

After a few minutes, Sean felt a weight on his stomach. 

He looked down, and, resting there, was a novel. He turned to Finn. 

“Since you can’t draw because of your hand, I figured you’d get bored, so here’s a book. It’s my favorite.” He spoke without looking away from his page. 

Sean stared for a second too long, before grabbing the book. The cover read On The Road. 

It looked incredibly worn and weathered. The pages were yellowed and adorned with scribbles in many different inks, but all the same handwriting. Some words were circled, underlined. Entire passages were annotated. This book felt loved, and Sean had to figure out why.  
___

So he read it. Beside Finn, for several hours, until dinner came; during the night, until his lids closed by themselves; in the morning, until they had to leave for work; and again, the rest of the day.

In barely two days, Sean had finished it.

He was now in his tent, Daniel asleep near him. 

Sean was done, but he kept browsing the pages to read the notes and memorize the pages Finn had visibly adored.

Among one of the most highlighted passages was this one: “but then they danced down the street like dingledodies and I shambled after as usual as I’ve been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing.. but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night.” 

Sean ran his thumb over the lines, pressing each word into his skin. 

In the margins were names, dozens of them. Emmett, Lucas, Eliot, Ben, Amelia, Weimin, Cassidy, Nathan, Rose, Chen, Ahmed, Penny,... 

It was funny to him that this passage had struck Finn so much, and that he had associated it with so many people. Because, to Sean, this description could never fit anyone better than it did for Finn. 

Sean was a moth drawn to Finn’s firework lights. He was Icarus, so willing to lose his wings if it meant he could stand close to the sun for a second more. People like Finn made life meaningful. Everything he said, did - Sean felt it in his bones, and he wanted to live to think about it, talk about it, experience it. Finn was his roman candle.

There were so many more passages Finn had loved. And Sean liked them too, and many more. 

He had loved the whole book, really. The pacing was strange and unusual, but it fitted the feel of the camp so well: everything was so languid and yet so rapid. Time was rushing by, and each of them was sitting at a cafe’s terrace, watching the people hurry by.

It was the middle of the night, but Sean couldn’t sleep. 

He felt like all his hair were on end, electricity coursing through him. He wanted to talk about the book with Finn all night. So he got up and walked out.

“Finn?” Sean called out quietly, standing outside Finn’s tent.

Inside, he heard rustling, and then the unfastening of the entrance door. Finn’s face popped out. He frowned.

“Sean? Are you okay?”

“Oh yeah. Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry. Uh… are you busy?”

Finn relaxed, putting on his usual smile. “Nah, I’m all yours. What’s up?”

Before Sean could say, Finn retreated inside his tent, allowing Sean in.

They sat side by side, Finn leaning over his hand, his elbow propped on his leg.

“I finished it,” he said, handing out the book to its owner.

Finn looked surprised. “Fucking-A Sean, really? How’d you like it?” He grabbed the book and held it tightly against his chest.

“It was…” Sean circled through all the adjectives he ever knew. None fitted. “Fuck.”

Finn’s whole face lit up. “Yeah. Same.”

“I can’t describe it. But I really really loved it.” Sean was smiling so wide, he had never been that excited about a book before. He was turning into a nerd, and he was okay with it. Lyla would get over it eventually. 

“I’m really glad, sweetie. Means a lot. Do you want another one?”

Sean frowned. “Well, I don’t want to bother but-”

Finn raised his hand. “Sean Diaz. That’s enough of that.” He grabbed a stack of books and displayed them before Sean. “Take your pick.”

He began studying Finn’s choices: Into The Wild, Walden, and The Dharma Bums.

“I have a lot more, but you have to read those first,” Finn said, his eyes bright. 

“Okay. I think I’m gonna choose… This one.” Sean reached for the one called Into The Wild. Among all of them, it was the one that looked the most used and worn, so that was the one he wanted.

“Very nice tastes, my good sir.” Sean’s stomach felt warm and light; Finn looked so excited.

“Thanks.” He pushed the hair out of his face. “Is it me or do I see a pattern?”

Finn laughed. “I’m a cliché, I know.”

Sean's features twisted into a pout. “No, you’re a roman candle.” Finn looked up at him, suddenly very serious. Sean felt his throat tighten.

Finn got very very close to him. So close Sean could see the faint hints of green in his eyes. 

And then Finn… poked his nose, before throwing his head back and gesturing wildly at the sky.

“Hells yeah he’s real. What have I done to deserve him?” he proclaimed at the heavens. Sean felt himself sink in his spot, his ears incredibly hot.

Finn gave a bright laugh, before turning back to Sean. He didn’t speak, his eyes soft, taking in the sight.

“It’s true though,” Sean said awkwardly. “All those books are about… life on the road or in the wild. I think? Figuring things out. Living as your truest version. Just like you. Just like… ‘the mad ones’. You’re not a cliché, you’re just… true to yourself.” Sean looked away, Finn’s heavy gaze too much to bear. He crossed his arms, shielding his heart.

“Thanks, Sean. I appreciate it.”

He sounded different. Sean couldn’t quite tell why, but he was sure of it. He almost seemed… sad? 

“But yeah. Those books help me make sense of things. Find meaning in my own life and all, you know?”

Sean nodded, his eyes back on Finn. 

“They’re all like… fuck it, imma be my own person and live in the world and just enjoy life.” Finn wasn’t looking at Sean anymore, his eyes far, his hands toying with his knife. “They make me feel like I did the right thing. Cause, sometimes I don’t. Things sucked before, but like… I don’t know. All these guys had it so good, and they still chose to leave. So I’m like: if they’re happy after leaving all of those nice things behind, maybe I can be too? Especially when all I left behind was just shit.”

Sean felt so lucky, lucky that Finn felt comfortable enough to share this. Because Sean was convinced this was unusual for him. He had never heard him talk so earnestly about his past and feelings, with anyone, ever. He wanted to thank Finn, tell him he understood and supported him and… 

“Finn.” Sean reached over and laid his hand on his knee. He didn’t know if it was okay for him to do it. Finn was so physical, it had never been a problem, but it was new for Sean. He did it nonetheless. Finn didn’t pull away, instead looking right into Sean’s eyes. 

“Thank you. For sharing. For trusting me.” 

Finn smiled, putting his hand on Sean’s. “Thanks, Sean. For listening. And for being the kindest guy I’ve ever met. You’re my own little roman candle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3


	5. regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Finn brought the blunt to his lips, breathing in with his eyes closed. Sean stared - at the way he tilted his head to the side when enjoying something, at how his shoulders slumped and his fingers drummed on his knee. Finn opened his eyes and Sean thought about looking away, but for some reason he didn’t. And Finn noticed.
> 
> He held his eyes, without a smile or a frown. Finn slowly brought the blunt to his lips once more, taking another drag, still without breaking eye contact. He blew the smoke out, and Sean felt himself waver.'

"Vincent Cassel, really?" Finn looked at Cassidy with a grimace, obviously disappointed. 

"Fuck yeah! With that French accent? Woof." 

Cassidy, Finn, Hannah, Jacob, Penny, and Sean had been sitting around the campfire playing truth or dare for about two hours now. The sun had long gone, and so had Daniel, who for once hadn't complained about going to bed without Sean. They had had a long day, fortunately tiring his brother enough not to have the energy to fight. He had simply pouted before shuffling to bed. 

It had been Cassidy's turn, and she had chosen truth.

"You have the whole world at your disposal, and you choose Vincent Cassel to fuck?" 

"Yes, Finn! Have you seen the man? I know you have shitty tastes but come on." 

"That's why I like you," he purred. She flipped him off and Finn answered by blowing her a kiss. 

Sean loved seeing them tease each other, they were so alike siblings, he couldn’t believe they weren’t actually related. Maybe blood didn’t matter that much.

"I mean, you gotta give it to her. He is hot." 

"No, not you Penny." Finn looked over at him with a pained expression. "Seriously?" 

In response, Penny shrugged. Finn swiveled towards Hannah, who immediately put up her hands in defense. So instead, Finn turned to Sean, this time. "Sweetie please, tell me I'm not crazy. That guy ain't that hot?" 

Sean felt himself blush a little. The fact that Finn would consult him about someone’s looks made him feel special. But he was absolutely clueless on these matters. So Sean thought about drawing him; yeah, he could see himself doing that. He was aesthetically interesting. That had to count for something, right?

"I mean… He is pretty hot," Sean admitted timidly.

Finn threw his hands up in defeat. They all laughed brightly. 

Penny leaned over to Sean, handing him the joint they had been passing around. 

Sean took it and pulled from it a long drag, filling his lungs with pleasant warmth, before handing it to Finn. He almost keeled over when their fingers brushed against each other. 

Finn brought the blunt to his lips, breathing in with his eyes closed. Sean stared - at the way he tilted his head to the side when enjoying something, at how his shoulders slumped and his fingers drummed on his knee. Finn opened his eyes and Sean thought about looking away, but for some reason he didn’t. And Finn noticed.

He held his eyes, without a smile or a frown. Finn slowly brought the blunt to his lips once more, taking another drag, still without breaking eye contact. He blew the smoke out, and Sean felt himself waver. 

"Alright, your turn Cass." Penny tapped her feet with his shoe. 

"Uh, okay… Dare." She sat up on the log in front of Sean, looking around for her next challenger.

"Dare you to kiss the hottest guy here," Hannah said with a smirk. 

Cassidy rolled her eyes, before turning towards Finn. "You're sure you want me to break his little heart?" Penny howled and clapped while Finn made sad puppy eyes at her.

She got up, and, without much hesitation, began walking towards Finn and Sean, who had been sitting side by side on the ground. 

She took a seat between the two of them. But Sean hadn't expected her to turn towards him. 

Wait, what? 

"Who's not surprised?" Finn announced. Everyone raised their hand. 

"Duh. Everyone knows Sean is the cutest here." She smiled widely, her eyes narrowing.

Sean felt like he was about to merge with the ground. He wished he could, painfully aware of every single pair of eyes on him. 

"Seriously?" he asked sheepishly. Cassidy smiled. 

"Ain't it obvious?" 

"I… Not really. But… Thanks?" He looked down at the ground.

She shifted in her seat, making herself comfortable and readying herself. Behind her, Finn leaned over to take a peek at Sean, raising two thumbs up. He felt calmer already. 

"This is my first kiss. Sorry if I suck," Sean whispered. At that, Cassidy frowned. 

"Wait, for real?" 

He nodded, feeling suddenly ashamed. But her next words weren't what he expected. 

"Then I'm not kissing you. A first kiss is special, Sean. I don't wanna rob you of that." She placed her hands on his shoulders, searching for his eyes. He felt himself sink deeper in the ground.

"But you already used your joker, you gotta kiss him!" Penny complained. 

"No no, she's right!" Finn said with his hands up. "But so is Penny. So how about this: give him a peck on the cheek. Sounds fair to everyone?" 

They all nodded. So did Cassidy. 

"Would that be okay, Sean?" she asked. 

"Uh, yeah, absolutely." 

Sean knew how he felt about Finn. How much he longed for those eyes and those hands. Even his own body betrayed his feelings, his heart desperately trying to escape from his ribcage to display his love for him. But Cassidy… Sean liked her too. Not in the same way, but she also made him feel shy and warm. He felt different about her, but her kind words and gentle ways made him feel at peace.

She gently grabbed his chin and scooted closer. Before he could brace himself, Cassidy had laid a kiss on his cheek. His skin was set ablaze, but he didn’t mind the feeling. 

"Alright, your turn." Cassidy shoved Finn, before going back to her seat. 

Before speaking, Finn gave a quick reassuring pat on Sean's back before speaking. "Truth." 

"Oh! This one's mine!" Cassidy bounced in place. "And you've already used your joker so you can't say no. Tell us about your worst memory." 

Sean felt every muscle in Finn lock in place. 

They had already tried to get it out of him a few nights ago, but he had seemed reluctant to share anything about it. All the smiles and dismissive eyes in the world couldn’t hide the gaping crack in his ribcage, his bleeding heart for all to see. But they had all chosen to ignore it, until now; feeding themselves with his honeyed tongue and his sweet soul. However, Cassidy had gone bored with the sugary pleasantries. She craved raw, bloody sustenance.

Sean had had a taste. It left a bittersweet feeling on his lips still. Manipulation, lies, betrayal, captivity.  
He didn’t know if the story Finn had entrusted him with was his worst memory. But whatever it was, Sean didn’t want to hear it if Finn didn’t want to say. Everything they told each other came willingly; with trust, patience, and love.

Finn was toying with his knife, eyes locked on the blade, the bones of his jaw twitching. Sean wished he could have grabbed his hand and led him away, telling everyone that the game was over. But Finn spoke before he could act. 

"Fucking hell, y'all really wanna have a shitty night, uh?" His voice was sharp. But he quickly put on an easy smile and breathed out loudly. "Alright, your choice." 

He leaned back on his hands and looked up at the sky. 

"I had my first boyfriend when I was 14."

Sean's heart stopped. 

So Finn… Holy shit. He wanted to scream, ask questions. But he knew better than to interrupt. This was none of his business, and Finn was about to expose his scars for everyone to see. So Sean stood quiet. 

"His name was Weimin." 

That was one of the names; one Sean had seen near that quote, scribbled in the margin. 

"He's the one that made me realize I'm pan, you know? We met through one of my friends. Hit it off pretty quick. Started dating almost as soon. It just… made sense. Now, my brothers knew about him and they were cool with it. But I hadn't told my dad yet. I did, eventually. And he got all weird about it. At first, I just thought it was a dad thing, being protective and shit. But then I realized he was just homophobic.”

Finn never spoke of his father. And Sean was starting to piece together why. He couldn’t understand how anyone could deceive their sons like he did, or judge them for who they loved. God… Sean missed his dad.

“Still”, he continued, “I introduced him to Weimin and told him about how good of a mechanic he was. And all of a sudden, my dad's cool with us. I was like "damn, if my dad can change for me, then he must be an amazing father, right? He started talking about bringing Weimin with us for a few jobs. To help stealing the cars, and then strip and sell them. He had done it plenty before."

Everyone was sitting quietly, drinking in Finn's words. The atmosphere was so strange, nothing Sean had ever experienced here. 

"We were a great fucking team.” He huffed. “My dad loved him, we made lots of money. We were kings. But then, one day, dad tells us about this big idea he has, to make a ton of cash. My brothers are in, so is Weimin. I think it's pretty dangerous, but we lived for the thrill of it all. So I accepted."

Sean felt his heart sink. He knew this was going to end badly. Of course it was. 

"Cops busted us. My brothers started running, and then my dad. We were getting ready to book it when they just… Fucking shot him. Weimin got gunned down before my eyes. I was ready to fucking kill those pigs, but my dad grabs me and tells me it's not worth it. Drags me away before they can stop us."

They could all tell tears were stuck in his throat. But no one dared intervene. Sean wanted to grab Finn, hug him, but instead, he was paralyzed, images of blood and death flashing before his eyes. 

"So yeah. I watched one of the people I cherished the most get murder in front of me at 14. And my dad didn't give a fuck about him, cause all he'd cared about was Weimin's skills." Finn looked up, forcing a smile. "Told you I was gonna ruin the mood." 

"Fuck, Finn. I'm… so sorry." Cassidy regretted asking, Sean could tell. He felt angry at her for asking. But he knew she didn’t mean to hurt Finn.

"Yeah, well, you wanted your story? There you have it." Sean winced at how biting his voice was. Finn got to his feet and just… left. 

They were all dazed. 

"I'm gonna check on hi-" 

Jacob stopped Cassidy, grabbing her arm. "I… think he just needs… space." But she shook off his hand and rushed to Finn's tent. 

They all quietly shuffled to their own, feeling a tear in their chosen family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, as always <3


	6. abandonment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'So he stood there, sobbing, struggling to breathe, to feel. His light was gone and all there was now was cold, harsh darkness.'

“Be back soon. Book is yours.”

Sean couldn’t take his eyes off the note.

He recognized the handwriting, similar to the one he had seen in all of Finn’s books. 

He was gone.

Sean couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Finn’s story, the pain in his eyes. He wanted to make sure he was okay. But Finn was gone.

Sean couldn’t tell how long he stayed there, in Finn’s tent. He stared at those words, trying to find a clue, a sign, something. Anything. But all he found was how terribly alone he was.

The note had been stuck to Finn’s copy of On The Road. Sean grabbed it and opened it. Inside was a new comment. “This book has been with me since juvie. I needed to get rid of it so I could let go and move on. I think you will find solace in Kerouac’s words more than I do now, so it’s yours, Sean Diaz. Keep it as a token of my affection, and remember that whatever happens, I will follow you, because you are my roman candle”, signed Finn.

Tears were streaming down his face. Sean had been crying, he didn’t know when it started, but what he did know was that he couldn’t stop. Finn’s absence had left a hole in Sean’s heart, a crack in the gates, wide enough for all that Finn’s nonchalant smile had kept safely inside to now pour uncontrollably.

So he stood there, sobbing, struggling to breathe, to feel. His light was gone and all there was now was cold, harsh darkness.  
___

“Sean?”

Daniel’s voice rang as soon as Sean slipped back in their tent. It was so late, but his brother was up, sitting out of bed.

“Where were you?” He was mad.

Sean didn’t answer. He just… didn’t have the strength. All he wanted to do was bury himself and wait for his love to come back. He would crawl his way out of the earth for him, but without Finn, he was as good as dead.

“I’m talking to you!” Daniel was screaming. But Sean still didn’t answer. “Sean! Where were you?! I was scared! I had another nightmare and you were gone! Why did you leav-”

Without a thought, Sean grabbed Daniel’s shoulders. He was crying again, his eyes trained on his little brother.

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, Daniel!”

He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. Daniel winced, shrugging off Sean’s grasp and ran out. 

Sean rushed after him, begging him to come back. He hadn’t meant it! God, he was so stupid!

But Daniel was just… gone. Finn had left. Daniel had left. They had all left him. 

Sean was alone.  
___

He spent the night searching the woods, screaming Daniel’s name, looking everywhere he thought his brother could be hiding.

His eyes were so dry, blinking felt like scraping his eyelids against sand. But it didn’t matter. The pain of his body from the branches and the thorns didn’t matter. All he wanted was to find Daniel, make sure he was safe. That’s all that mattered. That’s all that ever mattered.

The camp was up early.

As soon as they heard about Daniel’s disappearance, they joined Sean’s search. Apparently, it wasn’t the first time Finn had run off, so they didn’t pay it as much thought.

Cassidy forced Sean to take a seat, placing a warm cup in his hand.

“Sean, we’re gonna find him, okay? But you gotta rest.”

His throat was so sore from screaming and crying, he couldn’t speak. Not that he wanted to anyway.

Cassidy stayed with him for a while, whispering reassuring words to him, rubbing his back. He was so grateful for her love.

She eventually left after placing a kiss in his hair. She was replaced by Hannah.

Sean felt a hand on his knee. He looked up.

She was watching him with hard eyes. “Go to bed.”

He frowned. “No, I-”

“Sean shut the fuck up and listen to me. You’re useless to us in this state. Your brother needs you, okay? So you’re gonna get your ass into bed so you can get enough rest to help us find him, got it?”

All he could do was nod.

She sighed. “I’m sorry Sean. But we’ll find him, okay?”

At this moment he knew. He knew that this was Hannah’s way of saying “we’re here for you”, “we’re family”. Nothing else could have soothed Sean the way she had. He smiled painfully.

She led him to his tent and helped him take off his shoes. He laid down, “On The Road” against his chest, his brother on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3


	7. forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Sean forgot. He forgot that Finn was just as lost and broken as them. He always forgot how young he really was, despite his few years ahead of him. Finn was more than a dreamer, a traveler, a roman candle. 
> 
> Finn was human, and Sean loved him.'

“Sweetie?”

Sean’s eyes fluttered open. His heart stopped.

Finn was crouched in his tent, right by him. He was looking at him with sad eyes and a furrowed brow. Sean didn’t dare speak nor move, in case this was a mirage and he would disturb it.

But the hand that lay on his chest was very real. Heavy, secure, grounding.

He let out a heavy sigh, that soon turned into a sob. Finn quickly pulled him up into a sitting position, throwing his arms around him. Sean grabbed him; his clothes, his skin, his soul. He didn’t want to let go, ever. He felt his whole body shake against him. Tears escaped Sean. Finn held him tighter, running his hand on his back, in his hair.

“Things are gonna be okay, baby. It’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

He let him cry. Finn let him cry and melt and disappear into him. 

After an hour or so, Sean finally pulled slightly away, enough for his voice not to get lost in Finn’s chest.

“Where were you?” Finn’s face crumbled at Sean’s broken words. He rubbed his hand on his cheek, and Sean leaned into it. It was calloused and rough but felt incredibly soft against his jagged soul.

“I’m so sorry Sean I… Needed some time. I should have told you.” Everything in Finn was unusual: the grief in his eyes, the tightness of his words, the uneasiness of his features.

“I’m here now. I won’t leave again, okay?”

“Do you promise?” Sean knew this was a stupid question to ask. He knew Finn couldn’t promise that. He himself had to promise things to his brother, time and time again, despite knowing he simply couldn’t keep his word. But he knew then; he knew that what Daniel had wanted was comfort. It didn’t matter if it was true or not. He couldn’t bear the reality for now, harsh and ruthless. He wanted a world of whispered promises and soft hands.

“I promise,” Finn breathed. 

Sean buried his head into him once more, and Finn welcomed him, wrapping his fingers around his nape.

“Your brother is okay.” Sean looked up at Finn.

“What? Did you find him?” His voice already sounded clearer.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that... “ Finn brushed hair out of Sean’s face. “He built a small fort in the woods. When the others told me he was gone, I immediately knew he was there.”

Sean didn’t know about this place. He guessed Daniel also needed a place to run to, to be alone and silent. He couldn’t blame him. All that mattered was that he was okay.

“Thank you, Finn.” He laid his forehead on Finn’s chest, syncing his breathing with his.

“No Sean, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I was only gone for the night, came back in the morning. But fuck, if I had known Daniel was gonna pull that shit too, I wouldn’t have done it. Jesus, I shouldn’t have done it at all.”

Sean forgot. He forgot that Finn was just as lost and broken as them. He always forgot how young he really was, despite his few years ahead of him. Finn was more than a dreamer, a traveler, a roman candle. 

Finn was human, and Sean loved him.  
___

They stayed in his tent for a few more minutes, silent, intertwined. 

When Sean had found his bearings, he asked Finn if he could stay with him to see his brother. He accepted, of course, and together, they exited the tent.

As soon as he was out, Sean felt a wall crash against him.

Looking down, he saw Daniel hugging him. His arms were wrapped so tightly around Sean’s middle, he could barely breathe. But that was okay because Daniel was his oxygen.

Daniel cried for a bit. When he was done, Sean crouched and pulled him closer.

“I’m so sorry Sean, I didn’t mean to make you worry.” he sobbed.

“No, Daniel, I’m sorry.” He patted his brother’s hair with a smile. “I seriously sucked. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I said what I said. I didn’t mean it. Please believe me: I didn’t mean it, you deserve better.”

Daniel answered by hugging him tighter.

“Let’s not do that again, okay?” he whispered. He felt Daniel nod against him.

“Nobody leaves,” Sean said, looking at both his brother and Finn. 

Daniel promised while Finn looked at Sean sadly before nodding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	8. despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Sean still felt his head spin. Finn was so gentle. And he loved him back? Liked? It didn’t matter. Finn had told him he wanted to leave with them. Sean wanted nothing more. He had felt his lips against his, his breath in his lungs. Sean had seen his soul and never wanted to look at any other piece of art ever again.
> 
> But things weren’t okay. Things were never okay.'

Things were strange for a while.

Finn was distant for a bit, sending Sean spiraling down back to his original insecurities. But then, as quickly as it had started, it was over.

Sean’s anxiety wasn’t gone though; they still needed more money. He was pretty sure they had enough to make it to Puerto Lobos, but they were going to have to figure things out after that, too. Papers, a place to live, food.

But then things went to shit.

After all their efforts and sacrifices, Daniel fucked up. He acted like a whiny spoiled brat and none of their work mattered anymore, because Merrill fired them. He had grabbed a saw and cleaved into their bark. Their roots were gone; their branches too. All there was left were dead motionless logs.

Following that, everything went so fast. Telling the others about Daniel’s powers, packing up, Finn’s idea.

And then their kiss.

This. This didn’t go fast. But it did. It lasted for hours and mere seconds. Nothing long enough.

Sean still felt his head spin. Finn was so gentle. And he loved him back? Liked? It didn’t matter. Finn had told him he wanted to leave with them. Sean wanted nothing more. He had felt his lips against his, his breath in his lungs. Sean had seen his soul and never wanted to look at any other piece of art ever again.

But things weren’t okay. Things were never okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read <3


	9. hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Their plan had worked. The money was there: in the safe, on the ground, in their hands. But somehow, Merrill still busted them. Sean did remember that; he recalled feeling lighthearted and hopeful. Finally, finally, they could escape. Finally, things were okay. But they were never okay.'

All Sean could feel were hands.

Hands shaking him, desperate to bring him back. Hands cupping his head, searching for his breath. Hands on his face, pushing against the warm flow trickling down his cheek. Hands carrying him away, far far away. Smaller hands stroking his hair, teardrops on his open wounds. Then cold hands, prying, poking, tugging, hurting, healing. And then he didn’t feel anymore. 

He never thought that not feeling would ever feel so good. 

When he awoke, all he wanted was to have been left on that floor, broken glass and broken bones, left there to bleed and never feel again. But he was forced to be, he was nothing but feeling. A searing pain in his brow, like someone had dropped a match in his brain and had set his whole head aflame. He wanted to claw his flesh out, extinguish the fire. But it was stuck - stuck behind his stupid skull. 

All he did was feel. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t hear - or barely, just distant voices, words he didn’t understand or didn’t know or didn’t want to listen to - “sorry”, “forgive”, “leave”, “run”.

He didn’t remember much; Finn recounted the events following the heist to him, because Sean only recollected half of them, and only through a thick glass wall.

Their plan had worked. The money was there: in the safe, on the ground, in their hands. But somehow, Merrill still busted them. Sean did remember that; he recalled feeling lighthearted and hopeful. Finally, finally, they could escape. Finally, things were okay. But they were never okay.

Finn told Sean about how he had seen a gun in Merrill’s safe and had taken it. When Merrill pointed that weapon on Daniel, on Sean, he had to act. They fought, but the gun got knocked out of his hands, and Merrill shot him. Immediately, Finn whispered words of reassurance, Sean remembered them more clearly than the others, this memory more recent: “I’m okay”, “Fucked up my ear”, “Sexy scar”, “Still have most of my brain”.

But then Finn continued: Daniel was shot too, immediately triggering his powers. He lost control, sending Merrill flying against the wall, and the two of them as well. 

Finn was the first one to come to. 

Daniel was conscious, over Sean’s body, in tears. They had to leave. So Finn told Daniel to stick as much money in the bag they had brought as possible - “do it for your brother”, “we’ll need it for docs and meds”, “escape” - while he carried Sean to the car. 

It took him some time; Sean wasn’t heavy, but Finn was pretty sure he had broken a rib in the pandemonium, and dragging his weight was pretty much torture. “But I would never have left you there,” he told him. “Not in a billion years. I’d rather go to prison. I’d rather die.” 

Once he had managed to lay down Sean in the front of the car, Finn rushed back to Daniel and led him out to the vehicle. The boy sat with Sean his lap, patting his hair while crying the whole way.

Finn drove them to the doctor that had taken care of them while they worked at the farm. He shoved a good amount of stacks in her hands and begged her to help. She kept telling them she didn’t need the money, that she wasn’t going to sell out on them, but Finn couldn’t take the risk. She also repeated that they all needed to go to the hospital, but it wasn’t an option. So she did her best, treating Daniel’s wound, dealing with Finn’s ear, and patching up Sean’s eye.

Finn told him about it: the itch in his socket, the throb in his eyeball. A piece of glass had planted itself directly into his eye. The doc had told Finn what to do to take care of it. But there was no way Sean could ever recover his sight.

It was a lot. So much to process at once. He couldn’t function; the loss of his eye, their escape, the pain. All Sean did for the next few days was just… sleep and sit there, as Finn took care of him.

Finn was always beside him. He only left to buy food and to take care of Daniel. But that was it; he didn’t sleep, barely took breaks, Sean wasn’t even sure he ate. He sat beside Sean, stroking his hair, telling him stories about some of the books he read, whispering words to bring solace to his heart. He cried sometimes too. Sean was hardly present, but he could still feel Finn - the way he shook, his strained voice, his hesitant hands, the weight of guilt on his shoulders.

Sean wasn’t mad at him. How could he be? Finn had never meant to hurt them. All he ever wanted to do was help. He did before, time and time again. And things almost worked. They almost did. But it had cost them so much.

They were at a motel. That’s what Finn had told him one night. He had driven as far as he could until the pain in his ear and his ribs was too much. He made sure to be discreet and get them to a place where the cops wouldn’t find them. They needed to recover and figure out a plan, fast.

Thinking about the future brought so much pain in Sean. His head always ached, and too much thinking was so hurtful for his brain and soul. So he just rested, relishing the way Finn’s hands felt on his bruises, his scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!


	10. trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'He turned on the water and checked the temperature before bringing the jet to Sean’s skin.
> 
> The warmth felt wonderful, washing off the blood and pain and grief. Finn gently rubbed his back with a washcloth. Sean felt his muscles relax under the slight pressure. He closed his eyes and focused on the feelings; the heat of the water, of Finn’s skin against him, of the soap scrubbing his body.'

“Don’t tell Daniel, but I bought you some snacks.” Finn placed a shopping bag on the bed by Sean.

They had spent a few days there now, and Sean felt slightly better. Slightly. His head still burnt, and his eye was constantly burrowing deeper into his brain. But he could listen, talk and think a bit clearer now.

Finn crouched between Sean’s legs, looking up at him.

“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hey,” Sean echoed. He slowly reached out to place his hand on top of Finn’s head. Finn closed his eyes.

“What happened to all of your hair?” Sean ran his fingers over his scalp, bear of any dreadlocks. His head was buzzed, short brisk hair rubbing against Sean’s sensitive skin. It felt like a paintbrush.

He was careful not to touch the thick scar above Finn’s left ear. The bullet had scraped his skin, enough for an impressive mark to have been left, but fortunately not enough to injure the brain.  
Both the detonation and trajectory had messed up Finn’s ear too, the exterior and the inside. His hearing there was almost completely gone for now, but the doctor had said that it should mostly come back, eventually.

“Got rid of it.” Finn opened his eyes and watched Sean closely. “Do you like it?” He sounded genuinely worried.

Sean smiled lazily. “Mmh,” he purred in approval, drawing a smile from Finn.

“Figured we need to be low-profile and go undercover. So I got rid of the dreadlocks. Plus the bullet cut some off.” He reached into the shopping bag and grabbed a few things out of it.

“I got us some nice dyes, clean clothes, and colored lenses.” Finn smiled up at Sean.

“You sound excited.” His hand was still running over Finn’s head.

“I am. I love your hair - I mean, that’s why I’m dating you in the first place - but I thought that it could do with some color.”

Sean laughed, staring at Finn fondly. The latter frowned and his smile was gone. He got up. His attitude shifted, Sean could feel it.

“Are you okay?” Sean’s voice was still raspy and it hurt to speak, but he had to know.

“Uh, yeah, just…” He trailed off. “Hey, I’m gonna have a shower, since you seem to be feeling a bit better. It’s been a while. Would that be okay?”

Sean nodded.

“Cool.” Finn grabbed some of the clean clothes he had bought and disappeared into the bathroom.

Things had been so hard, and Finn had had to take care of Sean and Daniel by himself. He couldn’t blame him for being a bit off.

Sean looked over at Daniel. He had fallen asleep already, the TV still on. Sean lay flat on his back and closed his eyes, enjoying the hum of the old television set.  
___

He was awoken by the sound of the bathroom door opening. Sean had no idea when he had fallen asleep. But he had stopped getting upset about it; he was in dire need of rest, and there was nothing he could do about it except sleep.

Finn smiled at him as he walked out. He was only wearing his boxers, and still dripping wet.

“Do you feel like taking a shower?”

Sean closed his eyes and hummed. Finn had cleaned his skin with a damp towel every day, but Sean still felt like dirt was stuck between his cells.

Finn extended his hand to him, and Sean grabbed it, using it to steady himself and walk to the bathroom with him. His balance was still quite off, and he had a hard time readjusting.

Finn helped him strip down to his underwear and held his hand as Sean climbed into the bathtub. Finn followed after him, sitting down behind him with Sean between his legs.

He turned on the water and checked the temperature before bringing the jet to Sean’s skin.

The warmth felt wonderful, washing off the blood and pain and grief. Finn gently rubbed his back with a washcloth. Sean felt his muscles relax under the slight pressure. He closed his eyes and focused on the feelings; the heat of the water, of Finn’s skin against him, of the soap scrubbing his body.

But then it stopped. Not all of it. Sean could still feel the water running, but Finn had stopped cleaning him. What he did feel instead was the forehead that planted itself between his shoulder blades. And then the shaking against him. Finn was crying.

“Finn?” Sean opened his eyes and turned slightly to try and see him. All he saw was the top of his head, trembling with each sob. He laid his hands on Finn’s ankles.

“I’m so sorry, Sean.” He was gasping for air, his voice choked. Sean wanted to hug him, stroke his hair. But Finn was hidden away, far from him.

“What for?” He couldn’t prevent the strain of his own voice, from the pain of the past events and the present hurt of seeing Finn crumble before him.

“Fuck, Sean. I thought you were dead.” He could feel each of Finn’s words on his skin. “All of this because of me.” He let out a heavy sigh and more tears.

“Finn. No. You didn’t mean for this to happen. You just wanted to help.” Sean swallowed hard, his throat painful and tight. “This wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it was, Sean. I took advantage of Daniel’s abilities, and because of it, I almost killed the two of you. I’m just like my dad.”

At that, Sean struggled to turn around, so he could face Finn, finally. The position was clumsy and uncomfortable but he didn’t care.

Finn hid his face in his hands, but Sean grabbed them away, revealing his averting eyes and trembling lips.

Sean leaned closer, pushing his forehead against Finn's. At the touch, Finn let out a sigh. He relaxed into Sean, slowly steadying himself. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until he was calmer.

“This wasn’t your fault.” Sean’s voice was confident and strong. He needed Finn to believe him.

“Do you forgive me?” Finn finally looked at Sean in the eyes. 

“Yes. Of course. You’re my roman candle, it’s not your fault I got burned.” Finn’s whole face fell into absolute relief. Sean smiled and grabbed his chin.

He leaned ever closer, bringing his lips to Finn’s. This was only their second kiss, but it was nothing like the first one. This one was breathless, needing. They kissed and kissed, searching for answers none of them had. They breathed each other in, whispering words only their skin could understand. Sean knew then that nothing could separate them. They had promised each other to one another. This kiss had been the kind of kiss only two teenagers running away from the world into the unknown could share. A kiss that said: “I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”

Finn eventually pulled away, pressing a kiss on Sean’s forehead.

“We should finish and get some sleep.” Sean nodded and turned his back again. Finn tilted Sean’s head back and began rubbing his hair, cleaning it from the blood and the dark thoughts. Sean closed his eyes again. He didn’t need to see the world when he could feel it on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	11. solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Finn was gone.'

Finn was gone.

The quiet crept in Sean’s lungs like poison ivy, the vines growing and scratching and writhing. The rash was thick, iron on his tongue, flowers sprouting in his mouth, colorful blooms choking him. He once liked silence; now, it was killing him.

He had left - for a smoke and a walk. Finn had been holding his breath for days on end, never gasping for air, never asking for help. He had kept his head underwater because this was where Sean was, and so underwater he would stay.

But Sean didn’t want him to drown. So he had nodded when Finn asked if he was okay being alone for a few minutes.

Just a few minutes.

So Sean tried to be okay. He felt the floor with his hands, grasping the coldness of the tiles, their steadiness. He was in the bathroom, on the ground. But by his feet was a gaping hole, spewing darkness from its bottomless maw. And wherever Sean looked, the pit followed. He was falling, falling, falling; eternally, without rest.

Instead, he stood up, clutching the sink, pulling himself on his feet. It was still there, the shadow. But this time, it was gnawing at him. No, his reflection. 

Sean looked at himself in the mirror. Long dripping hair, bandaged eye, ghostly features.

Suddenly, he wanted to see. The dressing! That was the obscurity. So he pulled, and tore, and yanked.

But the dark was still here. Eating his reflection, eating his skull. He hoped the obscurity would consume him, eat the flesh and tendrils, leave nothing but bones and holes. No more pain, no more shadow.

Finn had told him: “lost your eye”, “will take care of you”, “time adjusting”. But how was he supposed to be okay? How things were ever supposed to be okay?

He held his head, shielding the wound. He didn’t want to see it anymore. Why didn’t they take his second eye, too!? He didn’t want to see. So he stopped seeing, bringing his other hand over it.

It was cold and empty. But his breathing was steadier. The quiet didn’t feel as loud. Sean sat on the edge of the bathtub, hiding from the world until Finn was back.

He was gone.

He was gone.

He was gone.

He was gone.

The door of the motel unlocked.

He was gone.

It slammed shut.

He was gone.

Someone stepped into the bathroom.

He was gone.

Grabbed his wrists.

“Sean?”

He was gone.

He was gone.

Sean was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I appreciate it <3


	12. love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'They had both lost so much. But in their loss, they had won one thing: the knowledge of what their heart most desired.'

He woke up.

Again, he had woken up.

Sean didn’t fight, because everything was black. He didn’t see.

He heard quiet breathing. His sight adjusted to the darkness; Daniel was asleep on the other bed, Finn slept in a chair between the two of them. 

Sean looked around - the moonlight filtering through the blinds was the only source of luminosity. It was pale and gentle. Not harsh like the light bulbs or searing like the sun. So Sean kept his eyes open.

“Fuck.” It escaped his mouth, a glass shard flying in his eye again. The pain felt too familiar.

Beside him, Finn stirred. He looked blissfully unaware for a heartbeat. But the next, his breath left his lungs, and he was drowning again.

“Sean.” He felt the weight of a hand on his chest. “Are you in pain?”

All he could do was nod.

It was all Finn had needed. His hand reached for something on the nightstand. Sean sat up with his help, a pill placed on his tongue, water down his throat.

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“Finn.” His voice barely left his mouth.

“Yes, Sean?”

Finn was crouched by the bed, looking up at him.

Sean reached out. His fingertips met Finn’s chin, then felt his jaw, his cheekbones, the relief of his tattoos, the softness of his brow, the bridge of his nose, his lips, his ear. 

Finn seized his hand. He held unto Sean’s wrist, their conversation silent, felt and understood. Then his fingers slipped off of Sean, slowly, safely. He closed his eyes as a thumb ran across his lobule, his helix. It caught on rough skin, burnt and torn away. Fingertips touched his coarse hair, before following the path; thick and painful, long and winding, a scar standing as a landmark. In the dark, Finn shook, loud breaths out of his lungs. But he stood still, and Sean lingered. 

“I want to see you,” Sean whispered, his hand still on the map he had explored, each cliff and edge memorized.

“And I want to hear you,” Finn answered, his voice quiet and choked. He wrapped his hand over Sean’s wrist again.

They had both lost so much. But in their loss, they had won one thing: the knowledge of what their heart most desired.  
___

When Sean woke up, the first thing he noticed was the pressure against his back, not the darkness in his right eye.

He craned his neck and smiled when his gaze met Finn, asleep behind him, an arm thrown over Sean’s side.

They had both fallen asleep for a few more hours after the painkiller had soothed Sean’s pain, after they had soothed each other’s.

He remained exhausted; yet, Sean felt better. The poison within his body had been washed away with the tears. He could breathe again, the vines ripped from within by Finn’s jagged edges.

He didn’t want to get up. For once, he didn’t mind feeling. The pain was still there, the darkness too - but at least he could feel the body against him and could see the peaceful boy asleep on the opposite bed.

But Finn woke up too, shifting beside him. Sean turned to his other side so he faced him.

“Hey,” Sean murmured with a smile.

“Hi,” Finn breathed out. He closed his eyes for a second, taking in the warmth of the sunlight, the quiet of the room. He reopened them and spoke. “Are you in my bed, Sean Diaz?”

He grinned. “No, I’m pretty sure you’re in my bed.” 

“Oh well, that’s unfortunate. Guess I’ll just leave.” Finn began sitting up, but Sean grabbed his neck, bringing him down.

Finn raised his eyebrows. “Well hello there, do I know you?”

Sean shut him up with a kiss. Swift, warm, pressing. He placed a hand on Finn’s chest, feeling his heart beneath his palm.

“Thank you for being here.” His voice was soft and private.

This obviously was not what Finn had expected him to say. His smile fell.

“Where else could I be?” He ran his finger over Sean’s lips, over his cheekbone, then his brow. “I don’t want to be anywhere else in this world, Sean Diaz.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Finn pushed a strand of hair out of Sean’s face.

“No more kisses now. I need to brush my teeth and shower, sweetie.” He didn’t seem set on leaving, speaking the words to try and convince himself.

“Okay.”

After a few more stolen kisses, Finn left the bed and disappeared into the bathroom, while Sean lingered in his warmth.

“Sean?”

Daniel was awake, rubbing his fists against his eyes. “Are you feeling better?”

Sean didn’t answer. Before he knew it, his feet had hit the ground, and his arms were wrapped around his brother.

“Enano.”

“Sean. I missed you.” He was sobbing.

“I’m back, enano. I’m back.”

Despite the words of reassurance, Daniel held unto him. His fingers dug into Sean’s sides, clutching his buoy while his small body was being whipped relentlessly by the biting waves. 

Maybe Daniel wasn’t drowning, like Sean and Finn had been for the last couple of days, but he seemed terrified of how close the water could rise. Maybe his lips even tasted of salt, judging by the sharp ache between Sean’s ribs.

He let out a pained laugh. “Daniel, Jesus. You’re hurting me. I swear, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Just to make sure,” he answered, his voice muffled in Sean’s clothes. Daniel squeezed his brother tighter for a moment, before finally letting go. Sean breathed in relief.

He smiled. “How are you feeling, enano?” Sean ruffled Daniel’s hair.

“I’m okay. My arm doesn’t really hurt anymore.” He pointed at his left arm. “I have an awesome scar now though! Finn says all heroes have some so that makes me super cool Super-Wolf.” He flexed. 

Sean chuckled, but his lips quickly turned into a lopsided smile.

“S-Sean… Are you okay now?” Daniel hugged himself.

“I’m… Yeah, I’m fine, Daniel. I just need some time to recover.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You’ve just been really… Not okay.”

Sean looked down, staring at his hands crossed in his lap. “Yeah, I know. Things haven’t been easy, you know… My eye and all. But I’m better, don’t worry about me, okay?”

Daniel nodded confidently. “Okay.”

“Did Finn take good care of you?”

He sucked in a sharp breath. “Oh! Yes! He let me watch so many episodes of Hawt-Dawg Man! And eat lots of snacks! He even bought me new clothes!” He tugged at his clean Power-Bear t-shirt. “He’s awesome, I’m so glad he’s here.” His last words echoed Sean’s feelings. He had no idea how they would have managed without him.

“Yeah, me too enano.” He thought. “What about… Are you okay like… mentally? Things didn’t really go well.”

Daniel straightened up. “Oh, yes. But don’t worry! I’m okay now. I barely have nightmares anymore, Finn taught me a secret technique to sleep better!” He flashed his teeth.

Nightmares. Sean did his best not to show his discomfort, flaunting a proud smile instead.

“Good. Are you… cool with him? After what happened.”

Sean watched as his brother frowned and looked down thoughtfully, before looking back at his brother.

“Yes. It wasn’t his fault. He just wanted to help.” He sounded so much older than nine, God. Sean wasn’t exactly surprised after what they had been through, but it hurt nonetheless.

“I agree. He feels bad about it though.”

“I know.” Daniel shifted beside Sean. “He… cries sometimes at night. But don’t tell him I told you that! I don’t want him to feel bad or anything.”

Sean smiled warmly. “Don’t worry, I won’t and… I’ve seen him cry too. It’s hard for all of us, he’s just a bit better at hiding things. We need to take care of him as much as he does for us, okay?”

“Of course! We’re Team Spirit, that’s what we do!” He crossed his arms over his chest in the shape of an x. Sean mimicked him happily.

“Are you two conspiring against me?” Finn was standing in the bathroom doorway, his eyes narrowing.

Daniel let out a bright laugh. Sean got up off the bed with a smile. “What? We would nev-”

Finn’s arms wrapped around him as Sean swayed, his legs giving way under him.

“Sean!” Daniel jumped to his feet.

“Take it easy, sweetie! You still need to get your balance back.” Finn helped Sean steady himself, letting his hand linger on his back.

“I’m… I’m okay.” But Sean brought his hand over his eye, a pang disorienting him.

Finn gently pushed him over to the bed. “Sit down. We need to take a look at your eye anyway.”

He let himself fall onto the bed, trusting the hands that led him. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

“Hey, little man? How about you go take your shower now so I can chat with Big-Bro for a minute, yeah?”

Daniel pouted. “I guess.”

Finn laughed. “Swear we won’t eat any of your snacks.” He raised his hands defensively, and Daniel eventually nodded, disappearing into the bathroom.

“Thank you, Finn,” Sean said sheepishly.

“Nah, no need to thank me, man. I know you’re not cool with showing your eye yet. It’s okay.”

They were hazy and painful, but Sean did have a few memories of Finn taking care of his wounds over the course of their stay at the motel. He never really had been aware during any of them though. And he wished it had stayed that way; he winced when Finn’s hand approached his eye.

“S-sorry,” he stammered.

“Hey hey, it’s okay, don’t worry.” Finn’s voice was tender and low, rumbling between Sean’s ribcage. He couldn’t help but blush, the attention too much to bear.

“Do you trust me, Sean?”

He felt guilty that he even had to ask, but Sean nodded.

Finn planted a kiss above Sean’s eye, careful and slow, before gently undoing the dressing.

Nausea rushed up Sean’s throat and he thought for a second that he would either vomit or faint. His hands covered his mouth instinctively, his head turned away. 

“Fuck.” Tears escaped him, and he couldn’t help but feel stupid for making such a scene in front of Finn. But as always, the latter was patient and understanding. He crouched before Sean.

“Baby, I know it ain’t easy but you gotta relax.” He laid his hand on Sean’s knee and ran circles with his thumb.

“I… I know. I’m so sorry.” 

Finn’s fingers dug into his leg, not painfully but firmly. “Hey. Enough with the apologizing, okay?”

“Sor- O… Okay. I…” His voice felt foreign, impossible for him to control.

“You don’t need to apologize. I get it. Is there anything I can do to help you feel comfortable?”

Sean could barely breathe, less speak, so Finn stood up before sitting by him on the bed, not looking at him anymore.

“Yo, is it cool if I take off my pants?”

Sean blushed. “W-What?” Finn’s hand immediately found his.

“Don’t worry! I’m not… it’s not… God, I do sound like a fucking creep. Sorry.” He gave a nervous laugh before taking a deep breath. “So like… I was thinking, if I show you scars I ain’t proud of and never show anyone, maybe you’ll feel less anxious about your eye. Maybe it’s dumb, I don’t know.” He rubbed his neck, the muscles of his jaw twitching.

“No! It’s not… I just…” Sean swallowed hard. “I’d… I think it would help, yeah.”

Finn nodded. “Alright. Cool.” He stood quietly by Sean before getting up again. 

His hands went to his zipper and hesitated a second, before undoing it and pulling his pants down cautiously. 

Sean felt like a fucking prude. So this was the moment Finn would discover how much of a loser he was? Who would have thought… But he had made it this far, which in itself felt like a goddamn success to him. 

Fingers slipped under Sean's chin, raising his head to meet Finn's worried eyes. 

"You okay?" 

"Y… Yeah." He attempted a smile, his nervousness betrayed by his burning cheeks. 

Finn stood before him, so willing to break his own walls for Sean. He didn't know if he deserved such attention and efforts. But it felt nice. 

"My life hasn't exactly been sunshine and daisies through and through so… I've done stupid - really stupid - shit. I thought fucking myself up was the best way to get revenge. Revenge against life for sucking major, my dad for… being an ass, myself for being so fucking naive. Just… You know. Anyway, I don't think I need to paint you a picture." Finn blew air out of his nose. Sean's eyes were still trained on his, lost in their brightness. How could such a broken soul remain so alive? 

"I have scars along my thighs. Just so you know what to expect." Finn's voice was uncharacteristically quiet. 

So Sean looked. 

Most were hidden by Finn's boxers, but he did indeed have a few thin marks showing above and below his underwear. 

"I…" He huffed. "There's nothing to be ashamed about but… I don't really like showing them and talkin' about it. Being vulnerable and shit, it's not usually something I'm super scared of. But it just feels different when it's about shit you're still dealing with, you know?"

No, he didn’t know. Because Sean had nothing but issues he was still figuring out. What he did know is how tough that was for him to talk about. So he did feel lucky that Finn was comfortable enough to share and incredibly grateful that he was willing to go to such lengths for him.

“Thank you for trusting me, Finn.” Sean looked back into his eyes, before slowly approaching his hands from Finn’s, intertwining their fingers when he had gotten the silent permission to touch him. “It means a lot.”

Finn grinned. “What can I say… There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your pretty face.”

Sean rolled his eyes despite how undeniably good it felt to be so unconditionally cared for. 

“Really nothing?” Finn’s quickening pulse under Sean’s fingers made him regret asking, but his worries were gone before he could apologize.

“Yeah. Ask away.”

Sean studied Finn, re-tracing each of his features in his mind, recollecting the ones he had once learned, learning the ones he had been too scared to memorize. He closed his eyes, engraving the image on the back of his lids, before looking at him again.

“Would you let me paint you?”

Finn let out a quiet laugh. “Of course, you know that’d be an honor.”

“No, I mean you you.”

He frowned. “Me me?” 

“Yes.” Sean blushed. “Paint you… like… put paint on you, you know?” He averted his gaze, feeling silly for ever asking.

“Fuck, Sean, really?” At the tone of his words, Sean’s heart leaped. “Yeah. Absolutely. Fucking-A Sean, I’d be like… your canvas and all?” He sounded so moved and excited. 

Sean’s lips drew into a smile, overwhelmingly wide after so long in pain and agony. “I look forward to it.”

“God, me too Sean.” One of his hands let go of Sean’s, his fingers now running in Sean’s hair. “But first, we have to take care of that eye. You ready?”

He nodded. 

Finn pulled his pants back up, one of the scars still visible, higher than the others. Before Finn could tuck his shirt in, Sean’s reached towards it with the intent of touching the mark. He pulled back, suddenly aware of how insensitive that was of him, but Finn had caught his hand, bringing it back under his shirt, and leading his fingers to his cicatrix.

“It’s okay. You can.” He didn’t say anything else, standing still for a few visibly excruciating breaths, as Sean let his thumb run over the scar, feeling the rougher skin beneath it.

While he was busy memorizing the shape and size of the scar, Finn grabbed gauze and disinfectant. 

He took in a few more slow, deep breaths before his hands could be steady. Gently, he cleaned the wound, studying it to make sure the healing was well underway, before bandaging the eye again.

When he was done, Sean’s hand was still under his shirt, but no longer moving. He had let his forehead rest against Finn’s stomach. Light hands landed on his head, and a gentle voice whispered: “I’m all done.”

“Mmh.” This was all Sean said.

“Well look at you. Doesn’t want to get taken care of, and then doesn’t want it to end, uh?” He laughed. Sean grunted but didn’t move.

Finn allowed him a few more minutes.

“Sweetie, your brother’s gonna come out of the bathroom soon. I don’t want to have to explain to him why your hand is under my shirt because there's no good reason I care to share with him.” He laughed, an eyebrow raised. At that, Sean pulled his hand away, and though his head was still hidden against Finn, the latter could tell he was blushing.

“What if we told him?” Sean’s voice almost lost itself in Finn’s chest.

“Told him? What?”

Sean stood quiet for a few seconds more. “About… us.”

Finn sighed thoughtfully. “Do you want to?”

Against him, Sean nodded. 

“Then I’m okay with it.”

“I don’t know though.”

Finn caressed Sean’s hair. “Why not?”

“What if he’s all weird about it? Fuck, I don’t even know what we are.”

His head was forced away from Finn’s chest, hands pulling his chin up.

“What do you want us to be, Sean Diaz?”

Sean frowned. “Why do I have to decide?” His voice was the same as the one he used to complain to his dad about having to judge who should have the last Choc-o-Crisp.

“Because I’m okay with whatever you want us to be.”

Shit. This was exactly what Sean spoke of. Why did Finn trust him so much? Why was he ready to blindly follow him, when he himself had no idea what to do? He didn’t even trust himself.

“I… I want you to be my boyfriend.” The words felt thick and strange in his mouth, but once out, it was like a needle had finally been pulled from his throat.

Finn fought off a smile but failed. “Then congrats, you got yourself a bf.”

Hearing those words back at him made Sean feel on the verge of waking up from a dream. But he didn’t wake up. Thank God he didn’t wake up.

The bathroom door unlocked. Finn gently pulled away from Sean, sitting on the opposite bed.

“You can shower now Sean if you want to.” Daniel’s hair was still wet, a towel in his hand.

“Thanks Daniel.” Sean felt painfully aware of his breathing. He glanced at Finn, giving him a small nod. 

“Alright boys, I’m gonna go for a quick smoke.”

In a few seconds, Finn was out the door.  
___

“Hey, Daniel.” Sean finally managed to speak after his brother had taken a seat on his bed and turned the TV on.

He turned to him, his head tilted to the side, puzzled.

“Uh… Shit.” Here it was, the awkward conversation he didn’t want to have. “So… remember that day when… You said Finn couldn’t be my girlfriend cause he’s a guy.”

Daniel nodded, still wondering what the topic of discussion was to be.

“And then you said… that if we dated, he would be my boyfriend.”

He nodded again. His eyebrows lowered over his eyes.

“Well. That.”

Daniel looked away, frowned even more, before looking back. “What do you mean?” 

Sean sighed. “Jesus. Finn and I, we’re like… You know.”

Daniel shook his head. “What?”

Fucking Christ, was he really going to have Sean spell it out for him?! He clenched his fists.

“Boyfriends! Daniel, we’re fucking boyfriends, God.”

His brother smirked. “Uh uh.”

“Wh… What does that mean?”

Daniel looked away again, tucking his head into his shoulders.

“Daniel?” He couldn’t help his voice from being breathless.

“I win," he whispered.

“What… What the fuck is happening?” Whether the question was directed towards himself, Daniel, God or someone else, it didn’t matter because no one answered.

Daniel jumped off the bed and fist-bumped the air. “I won!” he screamed.

“Daniel!” Sean got up before crouching by his brother, grabbing his shoulders. “What the fuck are you saying?”

“We made a bet back at the camp! No one believed you and Finn were going to date, except Hannah and I! I win!” He started dancing victoriously.

Sean… didn’t know how to feel. Relieved that his brother seemed to care so little? Angry that his love life got turned into a reality show by his friends? Proud of his brother for reading into him like an open book?

Happy. God, he felt happy and light after telling Daniel, even if he already knew. Happy that he had said it, as if the words, once spoken into existence, made Finn’s love for him official. Made it real.

“So you’re okay with it?” he still asked.

“Yes! Why wouldn’t I be?” Daniel had finally stopped his ridiculous parade, sitting back down to watch cartoons.

“I don’t know… Just… Whatever.”

That was all it took. So they just spent the next ten minutes watching Hawt-Dawg Man on the same bed while eating Choc-o-Crisps and bad popcorn. For a second, they were back in Seattle. For a second, things were okay.  
___

The door unlocked, and in stepped Finn, his shoulders low and a sloppy smile hanging on his lips once more. Sean couldn’t help himself but smile. Smile like an idiot, smile like an idiot who was stupidly in love with a wonderful soul.

“Sup?” Finn asked, way too seriously for it to be subtle.

“Hey,” Sean answered, looking at him.

“Everything cool?” He carefully walked in, approaching the bed slowly.

“Yes! Hawt-Dawg Man just got the magical Fried-Sword! Now he can rescue his friends! Sit down before the battle begins!” Daniel spoke without tearing his eyes away from the screen, bouncing up and down.

Finn looked at Sean. Sean looked at Finn, before clumsily raising two thumbs up. 

Finn laughed. “Cool,” he whispered, before sitting down with the two of them. He placed a bag on the bed and took out of it three plastic boxes.

“So, I thought you guys would be hungry so I got us some burgers and fries.”

“YES!” 

Finn almost dropped the box in his hands, jumping at Daniel’s scream.

“Jesus!” He looked at the boy with wide eyes. “If I knew about your love for burgers earlier, I’d have bought some everyday lil’ man! Woof!” Sean laughed, grabbing the box out of Finn’s hands.

The three of them scarfed down their meal, only stopping to laugh at the TV.  
___

When they were done eating, they enjoyed the show for a little longer before Finn spoke.

“Soooooooo…” 

The two boys turned to him.

“Listen… I’d happily stay here forever but… We can’t really do that. Maybe we should talk about our next step.”

Sean looked down, pensive. “You’re right. We need to figure out how to get to Puerto Lobos now.”

“Ugh.” Daniel crossed his arms. Finn cut in before Sean could snap at him.

“Sweetie, I…” Finn’s hand wandered to Sean’s thigh. “I have an idea… I know me saying this rarely leads to good things but… I have to tell you. So you at least know all the possibilities at your disposal.”

Sean’s eyebrows lowered over his eyes, but he nodded.

“Okay so, what would be the plan for Puerto Lobos? We drive there, hope that Daniel can break the wall, we cross hopefully without getting busted. Then what?”

He sighed. Sean was annoyed at himself for not knowing how to answer. He knew things were uncertain after that point, and money would run dry by the time they made it to their destination.

“Hear me out.” Finn placed his hands on Sean’s shoulders and Daniel looked up at him as he spoke. “Canada.”

Sean was about to interrupt, but Finn raised his hand. “Wait, before you say anything. Please.” 

So he waited. 

“We’re going to need fake papers. And that shit ain’t growing on trees. But I… know someone who can help. We could get them easy. And then once that’s done, we cross the border. It’ll be a lot easier than Mexico. We get in with new names and a place to go. I know some people in Canada that can get us a job for a bit. We make some money and use what we’ve got left, to get ourselves a small cabin in the woods, far from everything.”

Sean thought. This sounded too easy. Nothing in life was easy, especially when it involved a runaway teen and a kid with superpowers. But he had to admit it: it also sounded like their best option. Puerto Lobos was unknown, unpredictable. There were so many things that they couldn’t plan for. 

“What happened to your dreams of white sand and coconut cocktails?” Sean said with half a smile.

“Heh, snow and hot cocoa works too.” Finn grinned.

Sean nodded, before turning to his brother. “What do you think, Daniel?”

His brother looked up at him with big eyes. “Hells yeah.” 

Finn burst out laughing, immediately regretting it, bringing his hand to his broken rib. “Jesus, that kid is gonna kill me,” he said between a cough.

After getting his bearings, Finn placed a hand on each of their shoulders, looking at the two of them. “Alright boys. Let’s fucking go to Canada.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	13. distress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> '“I…” Finn sniggered. “I’ve been… so fucking caught up in how good this felt that I didn’t think about whether I deserve you. Maybe I didn’t want to think about it because I already know the answer.” '

It didn’t feel like in the books.

During their last moments in Humboldt, Sean had finished Finn’s compulsory readings, thus unlocking a broader collection of work. His next pick had been Ulysses, but unfortunately, he had left it back at camp, and so did Finn for the majority of his books.

Therefore, Sean kept re-reading the copy of On The Road Finn had gifted him, while the latter drove.

Montana - this was their next direction. There, Finn could get them forged IDs, or so he said. And Sean trusted him with his life, even despite the lack of details he had imparted on the brothers about his contact.

Their journey would take around 18 hours. They had left early in the morning, making haste after their few days spent resting. Finn had now been behind the wheel for 11 hours, occasionally taking breaks for them to rest. They had agreed to stay away from the highway and frequented areas, so their stops were scarce. Sean could tell Finn had been in quite a lot of pain for the last hour, his ribs probably still in need of recovery.

Daniel had nodded off, growing bored after the first few hours, when Sean had grown tired of playing with him. 

Sean was doing better, but he still needed time; time to adjust, to grieve, to heal. Moreover, Daniel’s sleeping pattern had been quite erratic, so no one raised an eyebrow when he said something about a nap.

Finn had been staying silent, focused on the road and his thoughts, while Sean’s eyes meandered the same lines over and over again, to no avail. He sighed.

After reading so many books about traveling, the wilds and such, Sean could confidently say that the people within those stories weren’t being chased by cops for murder with their supernatural brother. Because, no matter how beautiful the landscapes were, the main thing Sean took away from their journey was that his anxiety was only made worse by the road.

They all spoke of it like the quintessence of freedom, but as he watched the path unravel before him, slow and winding, Sean felt like nothing more than a pig being driven to the slaughterhouse.

Finn’s stiff position and tense muscles told Sean he must have felt the same. Worse, Finn was both the one driving them to the butcher and the meat.

Sean finally gave up on trying to read. Instead, he turned to his brother, checking that he was still asleep, before looking at Finn.

“Are you okay?” He knew this question to be stupid; of course he wasn’t. Everything they had left behind, their friends and family and dreams… It was all dawning on Finn, and Sean felt himself panicking at the mere thought of it driving him away.

But Finn smiled, through the pain and the sorrow. “Just in my thoughts. I’m okay.”

Sean didn’t push. He knew better than to bother him with questions after everything he had been through, after everything Finn had done for him.

So instead, Sean closed his book and grabbed a pen, continuing to write on the small note he had taped to the cover.

“Watcha doing?” Finn glanced over with interest, grateful for the distraction.

Sean thought before speaking. “I’m… making playlists.”

Finn let out a small laugh, his hands relaxing on the wheel. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Sean felt a bit silly, but he could tell Finn needed to chat, so he humored him. “I used to do that all the time, before. Drawing was always the number one thing for me, but music was close after. I… like making playlists for my moods, events, and shit.”

A hand landed on Sean’s knee, and Sean sighed at the touch. His fingers intertwined with Finn’s.

“That’s fucking adorable.”

Sean chuckled. “Is it? I don’t think you would have said that if you knew me back in high school. I was moody and a loser.”

Finn glanced at him. “Uh uh.”

“Shut up.” Sean smiled despite himself. “I don’t even think you would have noticed me.”

“Sean. Stop.”

He turned at his name. Finn sounded way too serious.

He laughed nervously. “Dude, trust me. I still don’t really know why you’re dating me.”

Finn took his hand away; Sean’s heart sunk.

Worse, it stopped when Finn pulled over and stopped the car.

“I need a break,” he said before exiting. Sean had no time to question it. He was out.

Sean gave him a second, letting Finn finish his cigarette before getting out himself.

He was now sitting in the trunk bed, toying with his knife. Sean bit his lip; he knew this to be his tell. Something was wrong.

“Hey.” He sat down by Finn.

But Finn didn’t answer. Sean breathed out his rush of anxiety. He needed to be the tender, wise one this time.

“What’s up?” He placed his hand on Finn’s neck, rubbing his nape softly with his thumb. 

Under his touch, Sean felt him relax and sink in his spot.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Sean smiled sadly. “It’s okay. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“No.” Finn looked at him, his eyes still bright despite the darkness slowly settling in over the two of them. “I want to know if you feel weird about us. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not good enough or some shit.” His voice sounded so breathless and stiff, something Sean had never heard in Finn before.

“I don’t. I just… I’m… I’m scared, I guess. I care so much and… Fuck, I need you so much. I’m terrified you’ll find a reason to leave. I don’t know how I would manage.” Sean felt like slapping himself when the words caught in his throat. Finn was the one in need of comfort, but he still had found a way to make it about himself.

He sighed. “Do you really trust me that little?”

“No!” Sean gasped at the prospect. His hands cupped Finn’s face. “I would do fucking anything for you. Of course, I trust you.”

Finn smiled. But it didn’t feel warm or gentle or bright like usual. This one felt stiff, hesitant, bitter. “That’s the problem.”

Sean didn’t know what to say, his mouth slightly open, words lost on his lips.

“You keep worrying about whether you deserve me or not. You’re so fucking insecure. And yet, you’re ready to do anything. Fuck Sean, if we’re here today, it’s because of me. I’m the problem.”

Sean made to interrupt, but Finn’s harsh eyes stole the wind out of him.

“I…” He sniggered. “I’ve been… so fucking caught up in how good this felt that I didn’t think about whether I deserve you. Maybe I didn’t want to think about it because I already know the answer.” 

He looked down at his knife.

“I fucked up your life. I didn’t mean to, and that’s the worst part. No matter how much I try, I keep cutting the people around me. I’m broken and I bleed open everyone.”

Sean couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Do you know what’s fucking hilarious about this knife?” He didn’t wait for an answer. Sean couldn’t give him one. “My dad gave it to me when I was 6. Said to me -” Finn leaned down over an imaginary, younger version of himself, and spoke in a deep voice, “- this knife was my dad’s. And ‘fore that, twas my dad’s dad’s, and so on for more generations than your pea brain can count. So now, I’m giving it to you, Finnegan. Use this to cut your enemies. Anyone that steps in your way must be fucking cut down with this knife, whether for real or figuratively, got it?” 

Finn, the real one, nodded, mirroring his past self. Sean’s heavy gaze must have brought him back to his senses because Finn glanced at him and smiled, before looking away again. With his eyes trained on the horizon, Finn dislodged the blade from within its handle before closing it, back and forth.

“I cut myself for the first time with this knife.” 

Sean’s face fell. 

Finn didn’t waver, his voice the same warmth and mellow tones as always. But his body had gone cold.

Sean didn’t dare speak, bracing himself for more. 

“Not the scars I showed you. First time, I was eleven. My mom and dad were arguing. All my brothers were out, partyin’ or somethin’. I don’t blame them. Home fucking sucked. So I’m there, alone, wishing to be anywhere else on that damn planet. But stuck here, between four walls. So I…” His voice caught in his throat, and Sean thought about touching him, but was too afraid Finn would crumble between his fingers. 

“Well, you get it. I was fucking dumb but also… just so scared. As soon as I started bleeding, I stopped cause you know, that was very real and I got angry. At myself, at the world, at my dad for giving me a knife. So I threw it out of the window.” 

Finn was now shaking. 

“One of my brothers came back home. Snuck through the window, just like he’d left. Found my knife outside, gave it back to me. Life is fucking hilarious, ain’t it?” 

Finn looked back at Sean, his eyes filled with tears, a bitter smile on his face. “I didn’t cut myself again til I was like… fuck, I don’t know. Out of juvie. That’s the scars on my legs. Got a bad moment there. But I’m better now, promise. I guess what I’m saying is… I’m fucked up, Sean. And… Yeah, I don’t want to fuck you up. You’re a goddamn miracle. But I can’t fucking help it. I want you so bad, I’m selfish and… Shit.” He sounded enraged.

Finn sighed, before breathing in and out a few times. His voice sounded calmer. “I would understand if you felt like dumping me on the side of the road… I hurt Daniel. I hurt you. I’m broken and I cut everything around me. I’m trying to get better, I swear. But if you ask me to, I’ll drive you to Montana, get you your papers, and then disappear from your life. Your call.” 

Finn had brought his knees up to his chest and was staring away, silent. 

Sean forced a breath in, water down his lungs. If they were going to drown, they were going to drown together.

He threw his arms around Finn’s neck, pressing his forehead against him.

“You’re right. You’re fucked up. But so am I. I’m not… like, pretending to know the shit you went through, but I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.” He pressed his body harder against Finn, emphasizing his words. “I’m here, and I want this. I want you. I’m insecure, but that’s not new and fuck, it’s not your fault. You make me feel so incredibly good. You have no idea. Please believe me.”

The words had barely escaped Sean’s mouth that Finn shifted his body, holding Sean in his arms, his face buried in his shirt. 

“Fuck man.” He gasped for air, and soon Sean felt his clothes becoming damp. He rubbed Finn’s back quietly, letting him spill his pain on his shirt. 

“I fucking hate my dad. Everyday I feel like I become more and more like him. I hate his guts. But I can’t... let him go. I just… I can’t.” His voice was barely but a whisper, muffled against Sean’s chest. He sunk further away from the world within Sean’s ribcage, his words rumbling in his bones.

“I know Finn. And it’s okay. Not everything can be left behind, no matter how hard you try. But it also doesn’t have to hurt so much. It can get better. And it will. I’m here, okay?” He buried his head in the crook of Finn’s neck. “I’ve never met someone as kind, gentle, selfless and understanding as you. You’re not your dad. Just the fact that you’re trying is proof enough.”

There was no answer but Finn’s gentle sobbing.

After several minutes, he slowly pushed back against Sean, looking at him. He sighed.

“Montana is where my dad lives. He can get us fake papers easy. I thought I’d be fine, seeing him again. But… I’m fucking terrified.”

Sean brushed Finn’s hair, studying his features. “We don’t have to. We can find another way.” But Finn immediately shook his head.

“Nah, I gotta… I gotta do this. Else, I won’t ever be able to move on. But I’ll need you by my side, baby.”

Sean pressed a kiss on Finn’s lips, branding him with the words he wanted to tell him day and night; I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. 

A sigh escaped Finn as he kissed Sean back. But still, he pushed away almost immediately, grabbing the side of Sean’s face to take a better look at him. His thumb ran over his eyebrow, and for a moment, Sean felt like pulling back. But the softness of his skin against his jagged edges felt like heaven. So he stood there.

“Sean Diaz, I’m in love with you.”

Sean closed his eyes, leaning in Finn’s hand. “Te amo, Finnegan McNamara,” he whispered.

Finn’s whole face lit up. Sean looked as his features twisted between fondness and outrage. 

He didn’t speak a lot of Spanish, but Finn knew what “te amo” meant. He also knew this was no “te quiero”.

He also knew that Sean Diaz was a little shit.

“Nevermind,” he said with a choked laugh. He made to get up, but Sean grabbed his shirt, pulling him back down.

“Archibaldo.”

Finn frowned. “Mmh?”

“Sean Archibaldo Diaz. That’s my full name. You’re welcome.”

Sean watched as Finn’s eyes widened, a smirk creeping upon his lips.

“Holy. Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading <3


	14. melancholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'They were getting close, and Sean could feel it. The air in the car was heavy and electric. Finn felt like a ticking bomb. Daniel was unaware of the reasons, but he too seemed worried. He kept wringing his hands, and was awfully quiet. Sean didn’t ever think he would lament over his brother being too silent.'

Maybe the freedom the road offered wasn’t one of being care-free and blissful. Maybe the liberty it gave was one of moving on. The journey was long and arduous, but what only mattered was that they were still moving forward.

Sean and Finn kissed in the back of the car for a few more minutes, promising each other to be honest about their fears and never let them get between them. They whispered words of devotion; and for once, Sean truly believed that those were promises they could keep.

After a moment star-gazing, the both of them begrudgingly separated, aware of how long the trip still was.

Finn returned to the wheel while Sean sat beside him, careful not to stir Daniel awake. 

They drove for an hour more before stopping at a seedy motel. Finn’s ribs felt like daggers against his skin, and Sean wanted nothing but to rest on a bed.

Their night was short, all of them restless and uneasy; they needed to move.

“I think we can stay for an hour more or so before leaving,” Finn said. 

They were all sitting around a dusty table, eating sandwiches for breakfast.

“That sounds good,” Sean agreed. It was, after all, only 5am.

Finn looked at Daniel. “Your hair has gotten pretty long.” 

Daniel glanced up, before turning to Sean. “Nothing like Sean’s.” His tone was mocking. Sean narrowed his eyes.

“I think we can work with it though.”

The two brothers looked at him, confused.

Finn got up and grabbed his bag. He shook it with a smile. “I still have those dyes and everything.”

Daniel’s eyes went wide.

The three of them agreed that they needed to keep a low profile, and look different on their fake IDs if they wanted a chance to make it out into Canada. They spent the next hour deciding on their new looks. 

Daniel kept his hair rather long. However, he begged Finn to dye it. And he of course complied. Sean was annoyed at how well blonde hair fitted his brother. Though the glasses they had convinced him to wear made him look less like a cool brother and more like a cute nerd.

Finn dyed his hair a lighter shade of red and picked hazel brown lenses. His style was quite different now. Many of his tattoos were covered by his oversized hoodie, skinny jeans, and socks. He did look like someone else. But Sean liked it just as much. Under it all, Finn couldn’t hide his sloppy smile and bright eyes.

Sean didn’t completely dye his hair, but was eventually persuaded to let Finn add a few blue streaks to frame his face. Sean gathered the rest into a low small bun, leaving the colorful strands hang over his eyes. Finn couldn’t help himself from slipping in a “sexy”, at which point Daniel proceeded on to making gagging noises for the next minute.

The following step wasn’t as fun. Sean tried on an eye-patch, but the feeling of the fabric against the wound made his skin crawl.

So Finn pulled out sunglasses. He seemed hesitant, but eventually spoke. “Maybe you can try these on?”

Sean wasn’t sure how comfortable he felt with the things wearing sunglasses constantly implied, but they did feel better than hiding his eye. So Sean made up his mind.

Finally, Finn gave most of his rings to Sean, and added a few fake piercings to his face. His clothes were different too, but he liked them. Flannels and ripped jeans were definitely something Sean felt comfortable in.

“Damn.” Finn was looking at the two of them, hands on his hips. “You guys are looking killer.”

Daniel bounced on his feet, while Sean stared at the jewels adorning his fingers. It felt more like a kid trying to impersonate their idea of a hype adult than an actual person. But Finn placed his hand on Sean’s back, his eyes kinds and his lips drawn into a smile.

“You’ll get used to it.”

Sean nodded. Hopefully they would be given the time to.  
___

As soon as they were done, the three of them packed their things and left.

They were getting close, and Sean could feel it. The air in the car was heavy and electric. Finn felt like a ticking bomb. Daniel was unaware of the reasons, but he too seemed worried. He kept wringing his hands, and was awfully quiet. Sean didn’t ever think he would lament over his brother being too silent.

However, Sean’s heart was also trying to poke a hole through his chest. He didn’t know what to say to make things better. So he didn’t say anything, instead trying to distract himself by watching the world go by.

After two hours or so, Finn broke out of his shell. He and Daniel began talking; about the songs on the radio, their friends back at the farm, Finn’s brothers, Canada, Daniel’s cool hair.

Sean was too busy beating himself over the drawing he was trying to finish to pay much attention. He did perk up when Finn spoke of his siblings. Emmett, Ben, and Lucas - those were their names. All of which were scribbled in the margin of On The Road, near that quote.

Sean caught nuggets of information here and there, desperately trying to draw and listen at the same time.  
Emmett was the oldest, and also Finn’s favorite, considering the way his voice softened when talking about him. He seemed like the kindest, and also the quietest. Ben was the funny one, but also troubled. Finn seemed to have been quite close to him, his smile sad and his eyes far. Lucas was the smallest before Finn, and apparently, the one he had the least love for. Or maybe that was simply due to the fact that Lucas - “Luke” - was the more distant one. He sounded very confrontational with their father; Finn didn’t blame him. Hell, he agreed with him most of the time, but he didn’t have the same perspective back then. Lucas brought a lot of discord within their family.

When Daniel began asking questions about Finn’s mother, Sean stopped listening, his grip tightening on his pen.

He had been trying to slowly get back to drawing. Focusing for too long turned his eye into burning coal. Moreover, there always came a moment where the pain became too much for any of his strokes to be where he wished them, only increasing his frustration.

This sketch had begun alright. Sean was trying to finish a drawing he had started the day before; that of a badly-lit road in the country surrounded by trees and plains. But now, nothing was turning out how he wanted it. Maybe Sean was simply looking for reasons to make himself feel bad. But he didn’t want to stop drawing.

A hand placed itself on his page. He looked up.

“Maybe you should take a break, sweetie.” Finn flashed a smile before returning his attention to the road.

Sean bit his cheek. He was right, but he hated that he was. 

“Maybe we can chat?” Finn offered encouragingly.

Daniel didn’t seem interested in chatting anymore, his head resting against the window, looking longingly at the passing landscapes.

Sean nodded, tucking the notebook back inside his bag. “Sure. What about?” He did his best to relax, his jaw still tight with exasperation. 

Finn placed his hand on Sean’s neck, rubbing the muscles gently with his thumb. It hurt like all hell for a little, but in a few minutes, it felt like Sean’s body was made of nothing but rubber. He leaned in Finn’s touch.

“What songs’d pick?”

Sean’s eyes were closed. He spoke after quietly enjoying the massage for a second more. “Mmh?”

“You said you like making playlists. For moods, things that happen, people and shit. Would you have made one about me?” he asked, almost sounding flustered for a heartbeat. Sean opened his good eye: all he saw was a smile.

“Absolutely.”

Finn huffed in happiness. “So what songs?”

Sean, without breaking the contact with Finn, extended his arm to pick out On The Road from within his bag. He approached the tapped notes to his eyesight and began reading.

“Okay so. I Know a Place by MUNA. A Leo Underwater by Daffodils. This Charming Man by The Smiths. Kerouac and Cassidy by Saves the Day. Strawberries and Cigarettes by Troye Sivan. Hum... I Don’t Wanna Be Okay Without You by Charlie Burg. El Mañana by Gorillaz. Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens. Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby by Cigarettes After Sex.” Sean sank deeper in his seat, his cheeks growing red, aware of how attentive Finn was. “ By Your Side by The 1975. I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers. Busted and Blue by Gorillaz. Work Song by Hozier. Sanctuary by Welshly Arms.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Damn… You really gave it a lot of thought, uh?”

“Yeah… Is it like… lame?” 

Finn laughed gently. “No, it’s actually really fucking cute.” He ran his hand in Sean’s hair. “I really hope I can listen to those songs one day.” The tone of his voice made Sean feel terrified, but he kept quiet, instead focusing on the weight of Finn’s hand on his head.

“Yeah. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, it means a lot!


	15. courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Finn’s gate had lost its characteristic sway, drunk on life, high on ideals and weed. Everything felt different in him as he climbed the exterior stairs up to the second floor: his limbs stiff, his back straight and his hands clutching his sleeves. For the first time, Sean finally saw Finn as a 19-year-old boy whose pretending had failed him long ago, leaving him incomplete and terrified. Drowning in his hoodie, Sean watched as Finn was now the one needing a buoy. He had to be his lifeline.'

By 5pm, they had arrived in Dillon, Montana.

Neither Sean nor Daniel knew that this city was to be their final stop before Canada. But when Finn parked the car without a word, his hands growing white from gripping the steering wheel, the brothers could guess with ease that Dillon was the place.

Sean placed a hand on Finn’s thigh and looked at him, searching for the right thing to say.

“Are we there?” Sean bit his lip as Daniel piped in before he could say anything.

His words were enough to pull Finn from his stupor. He smiled and nodded. “Yes, little man, this is it.”

Daniel knitted his brow. “So… why are we waiting?” He knew his words to be clumsy and out of place, his hands rubbing against his pants. But he needed to know.

“I just… need a second.” Finn’s voice wavered, and Sean watched as his brother’s expression fell. His eyes then met Sean’s, and he steeled his resolve.

“Okay. We’re here for you.” Daniel spoke without hesitation, his back straight and his chest puffed.

Sean’s tense features twisted into a relieved smile. “Yes, we’re here for you, Finn. Always.” 

Finn took in a deep breath before putting his hand on Sean’s. The latter almost crashed when he felt Finn’s rapid heartbeat, but Sean needed to be strong for him. For all of them.

They had stopped in an almost empty parking lot, near a set of decrepit buildings.

“He’s on the second floor, apartment 16.” 

Sean nodded at his words, his gaze still trained on Finn. “Will you be okay?”

He swallowed hard, before finally meeting Sean’s eyes. “Yeah, I think so.”

Sean gave a single nod before turning towards his brother.

“Daniel, you’re gonna stay here. Make sure no one approaches the car, okay? If they do, you scream and we’ll be there. Don’t try to intervene, got it?”

Already, his brother’s mouth was open, his brows low over his eyes. “What? No! I want to be with you!”

Sean placed his hands on Daniel’s shoulders. “We need you here, we need the car. If someone steals it we’re screwed. This is important.”

Daniel’s features relaxed, the words of his brother convincing him of the responsibilities imparted on him.

“We’ll be right back,” he added.

Finn leaned over to look at Daniel. “You got this, Super-Wolf.” 

Sean felt his muscles loosen as Daniel agreed. He had to be there for Finn, but there was no way he would let his father near his brother.

“Alright,” Finn finally spoke after a few seconds of silence. With one last look towards Sean, he threw the door open and exited the car. Sean followed.

Finn’s gate had lost its characteristic sway, drunk on life, high on ideals and weed. Everything felt different in him as he climbed the exterior stairs up to the second floor: his limbs stiff, his back straight and his hands clutching his sleeves. For the first time, Sean finally saw Finn as a 19-year-old boy whose pretending had failed him long ago, leaving him incomplete and terrified. Drowning in his hoodie, Sean watched as Finn was now the one needing a buoy. He had to be his lifeline.

“Thank you.”

Finn looked up from the ground. They had stopped short of a few steps from his father’s door 

“What for?”

Sean smiled, the feeling having grown almost alien to him. “For doing this. All of this. For us.”

Finn cocked his head with a frown. “Ain’t it part of the deal?” He grinned. Sean welcomed the warmth that bloomed in his chest.

“Actually, it’s not. You don’t have to do any of this. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way, but still. I want you to like… realize how thankful I am.”

“I… yeah, thanks. You being here is enough of a reminder. I appreciate it though.”

“Of course. I… I love you, so like… yeah.”

Finn’s lips slowly drew into a smile. His light freckles shifted in a way that had begun to become familiar to Sean. “I love you too.” He breathed in a few deep breaths, before digging his hands in his pockets. “Alright, let’s get this shit done with.” Sean nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter that I've released. It's been quite a while, but I'm trying to get back to the series and finish it. Terribly sorry for the delay, I'll do my best to publish more chapters as soon as I can! Thank you for your understanding and for showing your enthusiasm for the fic <3


	16. qualm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Sean was desperate to find the right words, the right things to do. But he had learned the hard way that there never was anything that could magically make everything all right. He wished there was, because seeing Finn so undone before him made Sean’s heart sink. Why couldn’t he kiss his worries away? Why couldn’t he erase everything his father had done to him?
> 
> Nothing, ever, was easy.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, we're back!   
> I'd like to first apologize for pausing this series for so long. I needed to find the inspiration to write about these two again, and had some things to sort out. I also want to apologize cause I haven't written in a while so I'm pretty rusty. This chapter might not be so good, sorry. I did my best! Hope you'll enjoy it <3

Finn’s knocking rattled the wooden door. He let out a quivering sigh. 

Sean slipped his hand in Finn’s and brought it to his lips, pressing a light kiss on his knuckles. Finn gulped, his anxiety threatening to spill forth at any moment, but Sean’s presence seemed to soothe him just enough to keep it at bay.

“You’ll be okay,” he whispered against Finn’s skin. 

Sean was desperate to find the right words, the right things to do. But he had learned the hard way that there never was anything that could magically make everything all right. He wished there was, because seeing Finn so undone before him made Sean’s heart sink. Why couldn’t he kiss his worries away? Why couldn’t he erase everything his father had done to him?

Nothing, ever, was easy. Even his relationship with Finn ended up being far more complex than he’d ever imagined. But it had been in no way negative. So maybe, things not being easy didn’t have to be such a problem. Maybe things being difficult was what made them so worth it to begin with. Sean would stay by Finn’s side, no matter what. He would help him deal with his messy, with his complicated.

Sean squeezed Finn’s hand. I’m here, it said. Finn held it tighter in response.

Both of them whipped around when they heard the jingle of keys in a lock. The door laboriously opened, getting stuck halfway. With a yank, it loosened, and the woman standing behind it became visible.

“Who are you?” She had barely laid her eyes on them and yet her voice was already filled with distrust. Sean felt his resolve dwindle. They hadn’t considered other people being here. What if she recognized them and called the cops?

Sean glanced at Finn, who suddenly looked impressively calm. His quietude brought an ounce of courage to Sean, who shook off his concerns. He had to be brave.

The woman was short, but still looked down upon them, her eyebrows low over her dark eyes. A sneer adorned her thin lips. Her gaze went to their hands.

Instinctively, Sean made to let go of Finn’s hand. But Finn squeezed it gently, pleading. So Sean didn’t let go.

She crossed her arms, ensuring that her impatience was made obvious.

Finn breathed in and spoke. “Is he here?” His voice barely managed to leave his throat, but Sean traced circles on Finn’s palm encouragingly. You’re doing great.

She scrutinized him, her frown growing more intense as her stare traveled along Finn’s body. Sean balled his free hand, planting his nails in his thumb. The pain distracted him from his thoughts, else he would have spoken up already. He had promised Finn he would let him handle it. This was going to be challenging.

The woman sighed. “Are you one of his old friends? I told you already. Henry is not interested in your business anymore.” She went to slam the door, but before she could, Sean had stuck his foot in the way. 

Sean mustered the most polite tone he could, considering the situation. “Please just tell… Henry that Finn is here. This is important.” 

He gave a pleading look (the mere thought of it made his skin crawl but he had to do it for Finn), and though she sneered, the woman eventually nodded with a frown. She shut the door behind her.

Finn let out a shaky breath. He was already so close to breaking down, and they had yet to see his father.

“We can still cancel everything.” He searched Finn’s gaze, but the latter’s eyes were riveted to the ground.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be okay.” Though Finn was unintentionally crushing Sean’s hand in his, Sean didn’t point it out. Finn wasn’t going to be okay for a little, and that was fine. He was here to take care of him.

After a few excruciatingly long minutes, light poured out as the door was once more opened. This time, however, a man stood before them, alarmingly similar in looks to Finn, though his eyes had nothing of that same softness. As soon as he saw him, Sean’s hatred for Finn’s father grew tenfold. 

“Dad.” Finn’s knees buckled, and Sean had to place his free hand on his chest to keep him on his feet.

“F… Finnegan?” Henry grabbed Finn’s shoulders, then yanked him in his arms, thus breaking Sean’s hold on him. His father hugged him tightly.

___

“How have you been?”

They had been welcomed in by Finn’s father, inviting them for tea. Sean’s throat felt so tight that thinking about ingurgitating anything made him nauseous. Maybe it was the smell of cold cigarettes stuck to the carpeted floor, maybe it was the overpowering fragrance of cheap cologne, or maybe it was just the filth of a man sitting on the armchair in front of them.

Sean bit his tongue, keeping the words he itched to scream deep in his chest. The taste of blood filled his mouth. 

“Fine,” Finn answered quietly. He kept his head down, hands neatly folded in his lap.

“That’s good.” Henry cleared his throat. “Is he…” He glanced quickly at Sean, as if looking at him for too long would have set him ablaze. If only.

“Ah.” Finn placed his hand over Sean’s knee. The touch immediately quietened the loud buzz of anxiety in Sean’s head. Finn looked at him, fondness unhidden. He looked back at his father. “Dad, this is Sean. Sean’s my boyfriend.” The words seemed to have returned some resolve to Finn. His voice was louder and he looked at his father head-on.

Sean felt overwhelmed, warmth spreading in his ribcage. He felt incredibly lucky that Finn would so willingly impart this information, to anyone, really. He placed his hand on Finn’s.

“Oh. I see.” His father’s attention shifted to their hands, but he remained quiet. Finn looked at him defiantly. It seemed his dad had learned better than to question his son’s life. Good.

“Is it true?” Finn finally spoke after a few seconds of silence.

Henry frowned. He mindlessly spun his cup of tea like a glass of wine.

“Is it true that you’ve quit it all?” Finn glimpsed at the woman standing menacingly in the kitchen doorway.

His father sighed. “It is. I’m done with all the stealing and the lies.”

Finn flashed his teeth, his lips drawing back into a smile. “And I’m supposed to believe you?”

Sean paid close attention to Henry’s reaction. But the man was infallible. He remained calm, motionless. 

“Is it so hard to believe, Finnegan?”

“I’ve seen the way you smiled when we stole.” His voice was growing colder. “You get high off that shit like nothing else. Excuse me for struggling to believe your crap.” 

“You come to our home and talk to Henry like this? Who do you think you are?” The woman piped in, placing herself beside Finn’s father. 

“Liz.” Henry turned to her with a smile. “It’s okay. Finn is just a teen. You know how they can be.”

God, Sean wanted nothing more than to punch that smirk off of this asshole’s face. But he didn’t want to rob Finn of this opportunity. So instead, he stared daggers at him. Maybe he could make him have a headache or something. Maybe a stroke.

“Listen. I honestly don’t care whether any of this shit is true or not. I just need your help.” Admitting that he had to ask for a favor seemed to break Finn. He sunk deeper in his spot. Sean held onto him, keeping him afloat. It’s okay.

Henry frowned, taking a sip from his tea. “Speak. I’m listening.”

“You need to get us fake IDs.”

The woman gasped. “Didn’t you hear what we’ve just said! He’s done!” She placed a hand on Henry’s shoulder.

“I fucking heard.” Finn huffed. “I heard, okay? You’re a fucking saint, I got it. But can’t you, for a second, think about your son? You’ve stayed in the business for years despite Luke’s protests and mom… her pain from it. And now that I need you to do this single thing for me, you’re gonna play the redemption card?”

Liz’s mouth fell open. Several expressions came and went over her features. She settled for shock. “Son?”

Finn laughed bitterly. “You didn’t even tell her about us?” He looked at Liz. “Ma’am, if my dad kept that a secret, do you really believe that he’s really quit his crime life?”

“Finn.” Henry’s voice boomed in the small room. He turned to Liz. “Honey, please let me deal with this. I’ll explain everything after.” 

The woman looked at him with new eyes, but eventually nodded and left the room to give them privacy.

Henry sighed. “I tried, Finn. At least believe that.” He placed the cup down on the coffee table. “You’re right. Crime life can’t be left behind so easily. But I’m only doing it because I don’t have a choice. My shitty day job isn’t enough to pay for the medical bills…”

Finn tilted his head. “Medical bills?” He couldn’t prevent the concern from bleeding in his voice.

“Do you really think I would cross my sons for no reason? That I would drive the love of my life away, for no reason?”

“What the fuck are you saying?” Finn was losing his temper. Sean preferred seeing him angry rather than submissive, giving in to his father’s control over him. But he still gently rubbed his hand, trying to soothe him.

His father exhaled, massaging his temples. “I didn’t want to spend the little time I had left behind prison bars. This was the only way I could remain free. I just didn’t think I’d recover from cancer.”

Finn’s eyes widened. 

“I wish I had died. I never planned on surviving, but I did beat cancer after all. I felt awful about it at first, because of what I had done to you and your brothers. But dwelling on it would lead me nowhere, so instead, I tried to be clean. I quit it all, got a job, found a nice wife, started doing charity work, all of that.”

“And let me guess, this must be working wonders for you,” Finn spat. He knew his father.

Henry huffed. “I didn’t have a choice, Finn. I was happy. But… I got diagnosed with cancer again. There was no way for my office job and Liz’s work as a teacher to pay for the treatment. And now… Now I want to stick around. For her. For… my future son.”

Sean dug his fingers in Finn’s skin, lightly. He needed to keep him grounded. Remind him that he was here.

Finn struggled to pick which information to address first. He finally spoke, his voice quavering. “Why… Why didn’t you fucking tell us? That you were sick.”

“Finn… I couldn’t. I was sure that I was going to die. I had no idea this would go this way. And… Well, now, I did tell your brothers. Because they came back once they were out of prison. But you didn’t. So I preferred to leave you alone. I wanted to respect your wish to keep me out of your life.

“You talked to my brothers?”

“I did… I see Emmett often, he visits when he has the time. Ben is stuck in rehab but we talked on the phone. I even... Even talked with Luke. They all did the first step, coming back to me. So I had to apologize and fix it all. I’m thankful they allowed me to.”

Finn was grasping hopelessly, grasping for any chance that maybe, just maybe his father had really changed. “They let you?”

Henry nodded. “They’ve forgiven me, Finn. I thought that it would be enough but... I’m haunted by the things I’ve put you through. I need you to know that I am so sorry. What I did was terrible, and I love you.”

Breathing became difficult for Sean. Fuck, did Finn’s dad really think that all of this excused his shitty behavior? And, hell, was he even telling the truth?!

“Can you find the place in your heart to forgive me, Finn?”

Finn looked at Sean. Softness returned to his eyes. He had lost himself a little, being back to his old house, this prison of his. He turned back to his father.

“I… I can’t promise anything. Just get us the IDs, please? I’ll do what I can.” Finn was near tears. Sean had to get him out of here.

“I will. Thank you, Finn.” Henry rubbed his neck.” Where will you be staying?”

“We can find a motel.” Sean’s voice rang loudly.

“You still have your old room. You can stay if you want.”

Finn searched for Sean’s eyes. “It’s safer for us to stay here. Just long enough to get the papers. Then we’re out of here.”

Sean hated this plan. He didn’t want Finn or his brother near this jerk. But Finn was right. Sleeping at a hotel was always dangerous. They couldn’t take the risk of being caught so close to the end. 

He gave a reluctant nod.

“I’ll talk to Uncle Gil tomorrow about the papers. Liz and I will be sleeping at her parents’ tonight, we’re invited. You can have the place to yourself.”

Sean quietly sighed in relief.

“Thank you.” Finn relaxed a little too.

Henry gave a nod. A few minutes later, he and his wife had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3


	17. intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean felt sorry. He wasn’t exactly sure what for but, right this moment, looking at Finn? It made him feel guilty, his stomach in knots. After all, Finn had just been through so much, readily opening old scars, all for Sean’s sake. And he didn’t know how to even begin thanking him, or how to help him recover from the exchange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Here is some softness to make up for the previous chapter with Finn's dad :))))))

“This is my old room.” Finn let himself fall backward on the narrow bed, his limp body sinking into the cheap mattress. He let out a telltale sigh, throwing an arm over his eyes.

Sean felt sorry. He wasn’t exactly sure what for but, right this moment, looking at Finn? It made him feel guilty, his stomach in knots. After all, Finn had just been through so much, readily opening old scars, all for Sean’s sake. And he didn’t know how to even begin thanking him, or how to help him recover from the exchange.

So, instead, Sean silently took in the place, trying his best to give Finn some space. 

Everything in the room screamed his name. From the obscure band posters plastered to the walls, to the quotes scribbled on the chipped paint or the stacks of books on the ground. 

Sean lowered himself, sitting cross-legged on the floorboards. He gritted his teeth at the certainty that this would lead to some splinters, but the bed was off-limit for now. He assumed Finn needed some breathing room, and he honestly couldn’t blame him for it.

His fingertips traced the book spines, eagerly perusing their titles. They were all yellowed and torn in places. Sean’s lips pulled back into a fond smile of their own volition. He couldn’t help being helplessly in love with everything about Finn. And he didn’t mind so much.

Behind him, Sean heard the springs of the mattress groan under the weight of Finn shifting. 

“Sean”, he whined. 

He smiled at his name, amused by Finn’s childish tone. He felt the tension in his neck fade a little, relieved to see that Finn was still in a good enough state to play around.

“Mmh?”, Sean said, keeping his eyes on the books. He knew Finn had called out to him to get his attention, but Sean didn’t feel like giving it to him. He also knew that this wasn’t the right time to tease the boy, but Sean needed to blow out some steam too. 

“Sean, what are you doing?”, Finn complained. 

Sean looked over his shoulder and huffed. Finn was pouting, sitting at the edge of the bed. He didn’t know that, on top of being irresistible, he could also be adorable. Sean had already lost.

He got to his feet and sat beside Finn, who promptly plopped his head on Sean’s shoulder. The weight startled Sean, but the flutter in his chest felt incredibly nice, so he welcomed the touch. 

“Are you okay?”, Sean eventually asked. 

At that, Finn fell on his back again. Sean tentatively placed a hand on his shin, rubbing the denim beneath his finger gently. Finn sighed.

“I’m okay.”

Sean lay on his side, his head propped on his hand. “Are you sure?” He didn’t want to push, but he also knew how Finn could be. He had grown used to being the light-hearted one back at the camp, and Sean didn’t want this to keep him from sharing his pain with him now.

“Well, as okay as I can be, all things considered”, he added, gesturing vaguely at the room.

Keeping quiet, Sean began distractedly playing with the string of Finn’s hoodie. 

“It just feels fucking weird.” Finn turned his head to better see Sean.

“What does?”

He twisted his mouth. “I don’t know just… being back here, in my childhood bedroom. I feel like I’m 15 again, and that wasn’t exactly a great time. And I wasn’t exactly a great person, either.” 

“Who was, ever? Being a teenager fucking sucked.” This drew a laugh out of Finn and Sean smiled, satisfied.

“Right. I just don’t want to be that person again, you know? And being here just feels like I never stopped being that kid.” His eyes searched Sean’s features hopelessly, like trying to find the answers to the universe.

Sean scooted closer, placing a hand on Finn’s cheek, gently cupping his face. “I wouldn’t date a moody childish person. Having one as a brother is enough. So trust me, I’m sure you’re nothing like your 15 years old self.” 

He thought of Daniel - his brother had screamed in delight when Finn had offered him to sleep in one of his brothers’ rooms. He hadn’t been alone for a long time, and no matter how much he needed Sean and Sean needed him, they both also needed time by themselves.

Subtle dimples appeared on Finn’s face as he smiled. Sean felt embolden by the eager eyes laid on his lips. Slowly, he lowered himself over Finn, giving him enough time and space to pull away if he needed to. But Finn met him halfway, pressing their lips together.

Every time they kissed, Sean felt light-headed. He still couldn’t believe that he wanted him as much as he wanted Finn.

“Sean”, he panted. Finn’s eyes were bright and focused. 

But Sean didn’t feel like talking. Finn was so beautiful and Sean wanted to get high off of the taste of his lips. So he kissed him again, his hands clutching Finn’s shirt.

Under him, Finn wiggled, carefully sitting up, while making sure not to break the kiss. His hand found Sean’s chest and gently pushed, lowering him on his back.

“Sean”, he whispered again.

“Mmh?”

“Is this okay?” Finn was looking at him with the kind of gaze that made Sean pay very close attention. He was serious.

“Yes”, he answered just as earnestly.

“Do you want to go further?” His voice was quiet, just for the two of them to hear.

A hand cupped Sean’s face, tilting it so that he was looking at Finn.

“Please don’t say yes just to please me. I’m being serious.”

“Finn”, he tried timidly.

“Yes, Sean.”

Sean’s hand found the string of Finn’s hoodie again, pulling gently. “I don’t think I’ll ever want to have sex.” He felt strangely confident, encouraged by Finn’s gentle gaze. “I hope that’s okay. It’s fine if you don’t want to dat-”

He was shut up with a kiss. Sean’s eyes went wide.

“It’s okay.” Finn was smiling. 

Wait, was he really okay with it?

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, sweetie. I’m glad you were honest. I won’t ever force you to anything, okay?” He ran his hand in Sean’s hair.

“Won’t you grow tired of me?”

Finn chuckled. “No chance, baby. And God gave me two hands, I can take care of myself.” He smiled knowingly, and Sean couldn’t help but laugh.

“Thank you.”

“What for?” Finn tilted his head to the side.

“For loving me nevertheless.”

Finn shook his head. “I don’t love you ‘in spite of’. I love you ‘because of’. I love everything about you, Sean Diaz. Ain’t nothing that’s gonna make it any different. Got it?”

Sean suddenly suspected that he might have been having a fever dream all this time. This felt so unreal.

But the gentle kiss placed on his jawline felt very real.

“I love you too”, he murmured, and against his skin, he could feel Finn smile.  
___

“I have something for you.”

They had been lying quietly for a few minutes now before Finn spoke up. Sean wouldn’t have admitted so, but with his head lying against Finn’s chest, lulled by his breathing, Sean had been this close to falling asleep right then and there.

“You do?” he asked, trying to sound as awake as humanly possible in such circumstances.

Finn extended his arm and grabbed his bag off the ground, fishing a smaller bag from inside. He dropped it on Sean’s chest.

Taking a look inside, Sean was suddenly beaming. He pulled out one of the tubes of paint.

“You bought paints?” He couldn’t hide his excitement.

“Yeah, I did when I went shopping for the hair dyes and the burgers and all.” Finn looked proud of himself, a smirk pulling his features.

“Thank you so much.”

Finn kissed him on the temple, warmth blooming where his lips touched. “Are you still down?”

Sean frowned, slightly flustered by all the affection. “What for?”, he mumbled

“To paint me up.” Finn tried to fight off a smile but failed. Sean looked at him with wide eyes, but he couldn’t hide his eagerness either. All he did was nod.

“I’ll spare you that lame Titanic line”, Finn said with a wink, and Sean felt himself melt. Soon, he would be one with the blankets.

“Thank you”, he barely managed, desperately attempting to focus fully on his color choice and not on how Finn bit his bottom lip. Or on Finn suddenly sitting up and pulling his shirt off. He quickly stripped down to his boxers, and Sean did everything he could to not turn as bright red as the paint he had just grabbed out of the bag.

“How do you want me?” Finn asked. Sean knew he probably didn’t mean to, but Finn’s deference was making him feel strong and helpless at the same time. 

He figured that starting with Finn’s back would be a good idea, to ease into it. Hopefully, by then, the embarrassment will have vanished so that he could work effortlessly on the rest of Finn’s body.

“Turn around”, he ordered softly.

“Yes sir”, Finn said as he positioned himself, his back now to Sean.

Over the next few minutes, Sean carefully examined Finn’s neck, spine, ribcage, back dimples, and every curve and edges presented to him. After being finally set on an idea, he grabbed a paintbrush, dipped it in a light shade of blue, and started with a few strokes, making sure he was satisfied with the color.

He continued painting, and Sean could tell that it took some effort for Finn to stay still. His hands were clutching the bedsheets and he sometimes wiggled slightly, the brush tickling his skin.

“Are you okay?” Sean asked after the first 5 minutes. Finn simply nodded, so Sean continued.

He could already see the mental image turning concrete on Finn’s skin. The blues and purples and specks of white and black were turning his body into a constellation, à la Van Gogh. He was far from over, and this already was his proudest work yet. And not because this was Finn. Okay, maybe a little.

The two had grown comfortably quiet, soothed by the sound of the brushes and their breathing. Finn’s head was tilted to the side, a sign Sean knew to mean that he was enjoying this. His eyes were closed, and he hummed quietly whenever Sean asked if he was okay.

After a while, Sean finished with the back. 

“Turn for me please.” Finn obeyed, now facing him. God, no matter how many hours Sean put into this, he could never make Finn more beautiful than he was like that, bare, trusting, and bathed in the gentlest fairy lights.

Sean paid close attention to the curve of Finn’s collarbones and chest, highlighting the relief of his body. His skin was smooth, a perfect canvas. Sean had to resist covering him in kisses rather than paint. 

Finn tried to keep his eyes open this time, looking at Sean work, but soon enough, his head was tilted back and his eyes closed, helplessly sighing under Sean’s loving hands.

As he neared Finn’s waist and thighs, Sean’s strokes grew lighter. He switched to golden paint and gently painted the exposed scars, doing his best so that the hair of the brushes didn’t catch or pull the rougher skin. He paid close attention to Finn, looking out for any expression of pain or discomfort, but he seemed just as peaceful as earlier, so Sean relaxed.

After a few more minutes, Sean scooted away, taking a better look at his masterpiece. He smiled.

“All done”.

Finn opened his eyes, first meeting Sean’s. “It’s beautiful”, he ushered. Sean rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t help but feel flattered.

“Just look at yourself dummy.” He pushed Finn towards the edges of the bed, careful not to mess the paint.

Finn stood up and walked over to the mirror and froze. His eyes studied every brush stroke. After what seemed like an eternity, he broke into a smile, wide and bright.

“Fuck Sean, this is gorgeous.” He admired the galaxy adorning his limbs. Finn’s fingers trailed over the scars, turned into golden shooting stars. He grew quiet.

“I didn’t want to hide them”, Sean said shyly. “You’re a fighter, and these scars are proof that you have been through so much and survived through it all. I hope that’s okay.”

Finn turned to him, his expression stern. Sean felt his heart leap.

“This is amazing, thank you so much.” His voice wavered, and for a second, Sean was sure Finn was about to cry. But he kept the tears at bay by smiling.

“I’m so glad you like it.” Sean felt so relieved. “You should go take a shower now.”

Finn pouted. “But I don’t want to get rid of your work.”

He chuckled. “Me neither, but you can’t stay looking like that.”

“Why not?” Finn placed his hands on his hips and tried to look as offended as he could.

“Finn”, Sean laughed.

He sighed. “Okay okay, I’m going then.”

Finn hurried to Sean and placed a kiss on his head, leaving trails of gold paint in his hair. Before Sean could hit him, Finn ran away chuckling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading, it means a lot! Kudos and comments are appreciated <3


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